A cleaner, clearer look at Autism spectrum from the verbal autistic perspective

Moved this to working memory, a lot of decent ideas, but the empathy part needs a complete overhaul, so not fully flawed as it has potential, but not right either, definitely gotta dive into Mirror Neurons more before attempting to evolve this further.

Note: After the first three chunks of text there is a section with three points, for the majority who do not want to even begin to read all of this.

Been a bit quite the last few days, wrenched my neck and right shoulder pretty bad so I have been out of commission when it comes to getting my thoughts down or even just mucking around in the Mechwarrior online Mechlab for a bit (I spend more time making and testing mechs than dropping for matches, guess they are my giant robot dolls).  So other than that, I have spent a good deal of time deconstructing myself more as I continue to expand my understanding, been seeking out folks via email to try and communicate, one hit back on maybe using me in research, wish I had more haha, you would be hard pressed to find a person who wants their brain scanned and studied more than I do, but I am still focusing very hard on separating what is baseline for many “high functioning” autistic children, and what is mental illness as a result of internalized fault.  And I have some insight on that little gem that is certainly worth exploring by someone, maybe some grad student who can’t figure out their dissertation topic might steal it and run with it, would require 5 to 7 years more schooling before I felt able to pursue something like that, freaking strict, inflexible, compartmentalized, credential happy academia and all that.

So, let me start with what I have been exploring, now as someone who falls under verbal autism and has not insignificant, but a decidedly specialized intellect, I have been doing a lot of comparing and contrasting, especially trying to hammer down the difference between myself and someone with Asperger’s, we are both “high functioning” (some more than others) but there are substantial differences, mostly in the form of empathy, something Aspergian’s are considered “deficient in”, but honestly I see it more as a basic survival function and just a more constrained circle of people, if someone’s life does not intersect their own in any meaningful way, the rational aspect found in autism would make one seem cold, and would be if you did not contribute to their survival, comfort, etc (it is not true selfishness, it is just very grounded in life context).  I am very empathetic, this is the fundamental difference between myself and someone with Asperger’s and indicates to me that the empathy function is important in understanding autism, but is not really unique to it, many people vary between being empathetic and thus socio-centric and being egocentric, totally normal human variables here.  In my case, though I lack currently a means to quantify this, I am an extremely empathetic person, and this combined with a preference for rational/knowledge based thinking, it what gives me the extreme compassion I have for humanity writ large, and can still not be shaken to my core by tragic events unrelated to me directly, I will feel sympathy for their families, I may even weep a bit, but that is it, that is the maximum depth, I weep readily even watching movies, I should, my brain is wired closer to an ideal female than a males, though I am quite happy as a male and appropriately have a spouse who has a much more driven, masculine mind set, we did a role reversal and it makes sense, thinking styles are not anchored in sexual dimorphism, no matter how much society wants to say men are supposed to be this certain thing and women this certain other thing, other than pre-disposition to certain things, like one could argue very naturally that hyper-sensory seems to effect men more often, could be true, also could be that the masculine ideal is pretty far from  how the Autistic mind thinks, that boys get broken more due to social pressure here (or a lil from column A and a bit from column B).  An advantage the Aspergian has over me, the socio-centric mind which is the mind that will alter perception of reality, subsume themselves to the dominant paradigm, etc.  And Aspergian’s as more egocentric, can weather this a bit better, but not completely, the urge to conform and just not stick out can be pretty strong in most anyone.   I have also been considering ways to clearly separate the two, I watched something on Brony’s not long ago that had a young British Aspergian in it, but I saw a tremendous amount of empathy in that individual, and I believe we need to tread carefully here, and make sure we are not missing that empathy function, social cues and social functioning are still impaired in both, but one will be able to read human emotional and one will miss those cues.  I read the social cues, over complicate everything and basically become stuck, I have to start a conversation off by going through a few basic hoops to make sure I am getting their context and my context right before I could even hope to ask a simple basic question other’s might find easy to ask, I am better than I used to be, but honestly I practice so much of what I am going to say over and over again in my head, both for memory encoding as well as making sure I have a template I can quickly reach for and utilize in a pinch, because my working memory, for all of my intellect, is poor, I have to rely a great deal on external sources for memory manipulation, part again of what makes the autistic mind a specialist mind.  So, Empathy, don’t miss it, do they learn pretty quick what a pet does or does not like? Solid way to try and gauge empathy, because this empathy function is going to have a very big impact on how they develop and how they get harmed, and I feel very safe is saying that high empathy autistic children have a tremendous fragility to them, and even with earnest attempts they are going to be prone to mental illness as they get older if they cannot establish a solid sense of self-identity.

This links back into something else I mentioned earlier, the wonderful world of depression.  So, depression is linked to a bit of the brain referred to as dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, it is seen as active when a person is depressed, but this part of the brain is also used for problem solving, utility, decision making, moral choices, relationships, trust, etc are represented in this area of the brain (decent source here), now if our qualitative and quantitative sciences would actually talk to each other more, seeing this area highly active in depression would make sense, especially if you have an inherent epistemology that likes problem solving naturally.  See, here we have a possible strong neurological connection between internalized fault as a source of depression and what we are seeing here, seems like a pretty obvious line of questioning and that is; the internalized fault, the crap you beat yourself up about, berate yourself, wonder why you are broken, hijacks your brain and tendency to trouble shoot and begins applying it in earnest to yourself, if you favor figuring out problems, it would be nigh impossible, I would speculate, to not go at yourself over and over again trying to figure out why you are faulty. So, if we have someone who is depressed, the cells in their brain in this region are generally the same type, but the more of the processes are hijacked by depression, and the results are telling if you look at the rest of what this brain structure does…poor decision making, difficulty problem solving, problems with trust, low self value that can lead to self harm. Combine this with social interaction and expectations, even without a hypersensory function an individual who is neurotypical as well would be hard pressed to function well. So, right now the burden of understanding and navigating the world is still mostly on the shoulders of the autistic mind, we teach proper etiquette and behaviors, and rightly so in many ways, proper context for communication and such are important, but we also drive them away from their natural body tendencies, people see things they associate with instability and insanity or a host of other issues in simple actions such as self grounding, comfort, distress, or even just mumbling to oneself because the auditory component is soothing or even useful, clever folks just hum a lot.  See, we need to do more than force conformity while saying we are teaching to the difference, we really need a hard look at the pedagogy currently out there since right now most folks cannot even begin to separate mental illness from internalized fault and low self-worth, because it is critically important we see what is truly going on.  What my brain does right here is it seeks out connections and correlations and asks questions about what I see, and right now it looks to me like existentialist psychology and neurology just met up finally after years of trying to anchor, and the answer is simple…internalized fault becomes depression for the minds that favor trying to solve problems and puzzles, and if one views oneself as faulty, that makes finding that top priority, and for an autistic mind, the results will drastically degrade their capabilities, interfere with their development of a solid sense of identity, and lead to trauma, mental illness, and even a loss of self, and we must do all we can to prevent this, we must stop arguing and screaming, and start communicating, the issues here transcend political squabbles and get to the heart of what it means to be human, our context as individuals and as a species, Autism is great for shedding light on these issues, but we see the demeaning of difference everyday in the form of sexism, racism, and a host of other ways we show our fear of change or difference.

     So if you want a clearer look at Autism what must we understand?

  1. We must separate mental illness from the underlying neurological function, we have to find when nurture hijacked nature.
  2. We need to firmly look at not just Hyper-Sensory functions, but how a mind manipulates that data, the visual component of this for example is a big factor in Temple Grandin’s visual, pattern, or verbal autistic. I am verbal autistic because I am unable to effectively manipulate visual data, I cannot think in pictures, patterns, etc at all, I think in words with a few tactile tricks for using my working memory, so don’t expect me to do stellar on the image tests 3 cards back, I have to translate each image in between into something I can hold in memory, but since my internal working memory is poor, yeah, I can’t do it worth a damn with images, words, now that would be a different story I think, but numbers would be pretty crappy if they were greater than two digits.
  3. Connected to the Hyper-sensory senses and manipulation is going to be the importance of empathy, this is what I believe is the biggest trait that separates me from Asperger’s, at some point the brain favors one over the other, and it can be by degrees, slightly empathetic, very empathetic, slightly egocentric, very egocentric, etc.  So, Temple Grandin’s groupings do not directly talk about empathy, but facility with animals and herd thinking, etc are solid clues to a socio-centric personality, which means if highly empathetic we will take abuse if we think we are defective, or even to just prevent pain and harm to others, in an autistic child with social communication issues, this is a bad scenario if mental illness creeps in, and I have plenty of first hand experiences I hope to share someday with just how many truly bad, truly horrible situations I have found myself in, especially after depression was in full swing and my decision making was so far gone, that honestly folks, I want my last 30 years back, wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what was broken in me, and I refuse to accept it as broken if I can socialize and do basic subsistence, this culture right now makes basic subsistence a complicated and terrifying nightmare for me to navigate, but 200 years ago in a more sedate less sensory heavy environment, my chances to developing a healthy self identity would have been greater, which is a nice correlation for my circadian cycle favoring the night, far less stimulus, I feel safer at night than I do during the day, but I should, I am hyper-sensory in all of my senses, that is a pretty good asset when one cannot rely on their eyes alone, throw in hyper vigilance from complex PTSD and I am a right mess, but damn can I navigate in the dark haha. But hopefully someone can learn from this mess of a different mind that I have, because so much of it could have been prevented or at least mitigated into being non-traumatic.

Below is Half-formed Hypothesis that devolves into a scolding and rant with little editing, because I am pretty much bored staring at this screen and contemplating how to better convey emotion via textual communication, hand writing conveys the emotional state of the writer so much better than silly emoji’s, maybe we need a few other functions besides bold and italics to convey certain emotional states, not too many, wow this bold text section became it’s own tangent…pretty proud of myself right now =P

So If I was to break down my current notions of Autism (so half-formed hypothesis warning, research worthy though) the hyper-sensory function combined with rational thinkers seems to fit, with empathy varying but being extremely important given the socialization functions.  I favor the rational mind vs feeling as one of the key factors combined with hyper-sensory, pattern thinking lends itself to this, I also tend to favor logical over what I call empirical thinking because it would manifest differently, but right at this moment,  since empirical thinking is even more compartmentalized than logical, that might be where we find savant syndrome, the specialist mind amongst specialist minds…I am unsure, but there has been research scrambling the section of the brain tied to savant syndrome, and could even explain some other non-verbal functions given the region of the temporal lobe effected, not sure, fun question though.  There are so many more questions I could keep asking, but we really need to tackle the mental illness aspect and we need to do more than teach “high functioning” autistic minds to conform, we need to be able to expand the public understanding of very natural behaviors, because the stress of controlling these behaviors, is more damaging than you may realize, think of the studies in regards to making left handed people write using their right hand, the brain is naturally wired a certain way, curtailing certain things will have a neurological impact, so we need to make some of these behaviors “ok” in more than just the “absent minded professor” role, if I wear a corduroy Jacket and a bow tie and rub my head while muttering a bit, I can be an eccentric scholar, if I am wearing jeans and a hoodie while doing the same thing, people read that very differently, and sadly because of how many minds like mine are snapping and losing their shit, I can understand this, but if you want to preserve human life and dignity, allow us our natural body language, please stop forcing us to be something we cannot be in a healthy way, challenge us, make us learn, but stop teaching us to not trust our own body movements and body language, in my youth, in class, sports, school, etc I was seemingly clumsy and awkward, take that same child out of the social setting and into the woods with a friend or two and you would assume I was an athletic agile little monkey, that is not neurological damage at the core there to my understanding, it is internalized fault, often self learned behavior to not engage in certain things because folks misunderstand, a lot, and as the one least skilled in communicating, guess who usually is on the losing end of that as a child.

If you want to stop those constant break downs the verbal autistic kid is having, communicate with them, even if it is hard, you must and you need to not lie to them if they have high empathy function, their social cues may be messed up, but I am telling you that at least some of us, get those cues just fine, and we become very confused when you tell us a line of bullshit and the lie is written all over your face, add in the social issues and extreme cautious nature, plus the tendency to not meet eyes since it is still a tremendous amount of data, I feel like If I stare into your eyes too long, I am violating you, and if you truly could understand just how well I can now deconstruct someone with micro-expressions, you might feel really really uncomfortable knowing just how much data my hyper-sensory ass coupled with empathy and an excellent mind for patterns and correlations, yeah, I trust my gut now, I didn’t for years, and it is not steering me wrong these days, give me enough context on a person, I will break them down to the point I understand how they prefer to learn, how they prefer to approach a problem, how they arrive at conclusions, etc.  As I have said before, con-artists know this well too, I choose to not abuse it, ever…I would be lying if I claimed to never have manipulated people, it comes easily to me, but I dislike it, probably because of empathy, but also life experience, as an underdog, I dislike the tools of the privileged being used against people, manipulation, marketing, lying, fear mongering, all these things I loathe. But the frustration in the form of temper tantrums is what you see manifested as a result of mostly frustration related to communication (or not getting their own way, standard kid stuff still applies here too), a decent example from my childhood was at one of my oldest friend’s houses, his parents were a wonderful influence on me, why even as a very stolid atheist these days I have a soft spot for Mormon’s, because they judged me so much less than others, even when I bashed my head on their walls after being challenged over a basic decency issue, his sister left her door open, I was good and dis-associating and not paying any attention, I was naturally challenged as folks do not realize often that my eyes are open, but they are not focused on a damn thing, they are checking the established pattern of human behavior and responding to abnormalities.  So anyhow, my response was pretty close too “I have sisters, nothing new to see here”, because there wasn’t, I am not enthralled in a sexual way by basic human anatomy in a natural context, but in this specific case, I got chastised on the inappropriateness, and was totally confused as to what was going on, it is the often false attribution of sexual desire as much as real sexual desire that can mess a poor kid up pretty darn good, and so…I lost it, I started smashing my head into the wall as hard as I could, so frustrated, so angry that what I said did not register, it was internalized fault at this point, had my friends mother understood what we understand now, I know she would have handled that entire scenario differently, and she did try to be gentle, but as she should be, she was protective of her daughter too.  Miscommunications go both way, and if the autistic mind has to work so much harder at it, the least people and the public can do is put in a little damn effort to understand what is just difference, and that these different ways of thinking are beneficial to human progress, and right now, minds like mine are not fairing well.  I would be pretty damn close to being “girly” in my pain reactions, empathy reactions and a host of other things, but it is not sexual dimorphism that causes issue, it is breaking gentle males like myself trying so hard to fit a social ideal we cannot by own inherent epistemology and way of thinking be. I was  (am) exceptionally sensitive, and that…in a not so well off small city in central Maine filled with other damaged minds, I never stood a chance guys, throw in that I stopped trusting my parents for the truth, I always trusted they had my best interest in heart, but I still would not confide in them, because I stopped trusting pretty much anyone to tell me the truth. And a lot of this might be a function of intellect, some verbal autistic children may not have as much natural facility with these things, it was determined my senior year in High School when the senioritis kicked in bad and I just did not show up to school or do assignments, that the only reason I made it as far as I did without drawing more attention was due to native intellect, well I would argue attention was on me no matter what when I was younger, but my intelligence is why I was not put into special education classes, I was strong academically save in more advanced math where I could no longer mask my deficiencies, and instead of asking for help from my math teacher father, I took the bare minimum and denied myself access to the knowledge I really needed for hard sciences, but without assistance I am not sure I can find many good work-arounds for my working memory and visualization issues, such as it is.

I do want to write more specifics about my life experience as a verbal autistic man, but that is a lot more work, let me state it involved a shocking amount of putting myself into extreme potential harm, at least two good stabs at ending my existential existence accidentally, repeat sexual trauma from a peer when I was young, a sexual assault in my mid teens (female against me, but I was deer in the headlights scared, and this may be TMI but it is pertinent, men can have erections as a result of fear and anger and intense emotions other than lust, so like when a girl says “no”, an erection on a male is not consent, period….), and several funny stories that could have had very different endings as well, add in the chronic bullying outside the home and fairly common inside the home, not to say I did not start my fair share after a point, once my big brother broke my naive trust, it was game on and I did, literally, try to end his existential threat to my existence, and he did likewise, screwdrivers at the head, blunt force trauma, me jumping out a second story door with no stairs attached onto a tree that got snagged and landing 12 feet below me on a pile of broken appliances, etc. Not to mention other gems like repeat forced confinement from him, force feeding me grass in the rabbit hutch, yeah the list goes on and on and on…I did not have “good days” in my childhood, I had the days I was left alone in my misery and days folks would not let me be alone in my misery.  This connects to temper tantrums too, remember the hyper-sensory in many ways is the animal part of our mind, fight or flight is a big issue, if an autistic child has lost control of themselves, they are going to seek to escape or force away the threat to them, fight or flight, so the kid needs a safe place to retreat too, their room, or other nurturer’s such a family or family friends nearby, do not pursue them into a corner, that will trigger a fight response and it is going to be a bad one, either verbal or physical, you need to let them have the time to take control if possible, yes if they are a threat to themselves, it is worrisome, head banging, self harm, these are tough things, but if you let them know it is ok to escape a bit and collect themselves, do so, let them, give them time to process all that data that the hyper-sensory have to process, and in public, sadly this is gonna be hard, and do not listen to the snap judgments and presumptions of people around you, spanking me was not a productive means of disciplining me, mostly because I should not have needed to be disciplined over something out of my control, and it is a damaged kid who willing eats, chews, and swallows Irish spring soap when he got caught using foul language, I knew it was wrong too, did not mean I even meant to say it….but I love my family, and like many others, I cannot hold them accountable anymore than myself, because we did not know what was going on, we could not communicate, my experience of objective reality is so very different than so many other people.  But, I still fear leaving my house, because when I go out, I have to put that mask back on, curb my natural desires again, but at least now I recognize it, but…it sucks, and I am not going to overcome all the somatoform damage done to me if I must keep suppressing my own natural body language and activities that interest me, if I want to hang upside down in a tree to see how the blood flow influences my thought process, what the hell does it matter a lick to anyone else?  And I see a lot “high functioning” autistic minds leaning towards libertarianism or in my case a form of Social Libertarianism, why? because the massive laws, social constraints, expectations of this current society, are freaking damaging to us, we cannot thrive under these circumstances, we can barely even survive it, let alone function in it, and shit needs to change on all sides, we need to make room for difference, we need to teach in the way the individual child learns, and stop basing what is “normal” on the dominant genotype which freaking varies geographically and culturally to begin with.  Harmony, morality, stop demeaning and devaluing, human progress will not even reach it’s full potential until we embrace the difference instead of trying to “fix broken people”, there is value in my strange way of thinking, there is value in the honest compassion of someone with Down’s syndrome, there is value in the pure rational calculations of a mind not distracted by an overwhelming amount of empathy. We need our difference, collaboration in science flourishes if not all the collaborators think the same, the current big argument on the need for or the desirability of genius, is irrelevant, genius is very beneficial in that it is unconventional in how it approaches things, this is insightful even when wrong, we all benefit greatly from great minds that still constantly ask interesting questions. Difference in culture drives innovation, but so does individual difference, melting pot cultures have a shockingly wide diversity of interesting ways of thinking, the heterogeneous nature of the gene pool and cultures really spur innovation, but the homogeneous culture, though it may spur less raw creative innovation is fantastic at applying, testing, and improving these things since a more balanced societal makeup facilitates implementing new technologies and ideas when they are acceptable to them culturally.   We do not want to muck around with our genetics to the point that we get less difference and variety, the garbage DNA of today is unexpected saving grace of the future sometimes, and we want that difference.  Could we put a bit of effort into upping intellect? Maybe, but we need to make sure we do not turn all humans into do’ers or just teachers, we do not want “A Brave New World” of genetic determinism, the random make up of our inherent epistemology as long as it is not an extreme detriment to quality of life, should be allowed to occur, we all benefit from children who are nurtured, taught the way they learn best, and are at least taught to not ridicule or demean difference, especially if that person is smart enough to get into the tech industry hahaha (yeah, not for me unless they hire me as the worlds weirdest sounding board), might rue burning that bridge someday, meh probably not, but even still, no child should feel they are faulty or broken on a deep visceral level, just differently-abled and maybe has to face a bit more adversity, but still not inherently morally or socially inferior to any other, to disdain difference is to spit on the notion of self-determination and liberty itself, and if you are a person willing to blame a child for a host of possible difficulties they may face, then I am gonna argue that you are a damaged child yourself, that your decision making processes are probably hijacked by self doubt and loathing, and that you are no more accountable for that ire than anyone else, not your fault either, we have simply failed to understand the extreme levels of difference in the world and failed to ensure all our children develop a healthy and positive sense of self identity to absolute best we can possibly do, and that is before we throw medication at the problem, trying to change inherent biochemistry to think, act, and function better in the dominant socio-cultural paradigm then it is reasonably dystopian in a real not at all off the deep end sort of way, we confuse valuable difference with fault and try to medicate it into conformity…yep nothing possibly a little off base there. And, if I feel I need to go back on meds for a bit to cope, my choice, my brain, my body, my self-determination.  Ugh got ranty there, and wrote way too much again, calling it a night.

External Data manipulation time…

Ok, using this as a means to help me work through a problem, if you are interested in how I think, please read on, if you aren’t interested in the process itself, I would not advise trying to read this one. It is thought fragments as often as sentences, minimal expression of key ideas while my background processes slog away on what I keep prodding them to do. Not sure how I like the result, guess I will see if it gets views or comments, but it shows tangents, shows connections in a way, but a lot of the time I do not have to articulate a thought when it is well vetted and known to me, and that is going to leave a distinct lack of context to some of these thoughts, which means open to more misinterpretation, here is hoping.

Going to try and actually free write this as much as possible, not even going to look at the screen, it must get beyond editing for this to be worthwhile for me. So what is bugging me? Myers-Briggs is what is bugging me, Something is off and I think it is because not everything is a polemic…I think that is it, crap words eluding me again on this..think think think, letting the ole background processes run here a sec, no verbal, no anything but passive sensory absorption, all quiet on the prefrontal cortex front so to speak, damn digressing, back to it, what is it I am flip flopping on, emotion vs feeling, prospecting vs judging, what are the functions, rational vs feeling, rational vs emotional…emotional is grounded, feeling is tied to memory, emotion is now, immediate physical response even if the threat is not immediate.  Rational, breadth it is breadth, empathy is irrelevant to rational, rational cold, rational empathetic/compassionate, what is the connection here, it is three dimensional, if I could just render it in three dimensions it would make more sense.  Empathy as a spectrum, bleeding heart to self only, empathy is a spectrum, not a polemic you favor one or the other, what are the underlying neurological functions that are the basis for empathy, must study, but empathy is a social function, if I see the brain as social survival, object survival, so the abstract and conscious mind and the animal mind, the mind bent on dealing with objective reality, where am I going with this…background process………….ok empathy as a spectrum, can be bad if not treated if one has empathy only for self or immediate things connected to his/her object survival, rational model for empathy can work, if one is rational, what are the results of irrationality, damn does not work, demeaning phrase, the dichotomy as is feels uncomfortable, missing something still…what else about empathy….background process…..try it this way, empathy as a spectrum, biological basis, can be impacted by physical and emotional trauma, mental illness, how does mental illness and empathy meet, the internalization of self destructive impulse vs the externalization, lashing out for lashing oneself, I lashed myself, but eventually would lash out, wounded, animal instinct, emotions ruling where rationality wants too. High empathy, high empathy and rationality = compassion over intense feelings for one individual, spiritualism basis…health and understanding for all, but that just goes back to the great teachers correlations of mine, divergent thought, get back on track…empathy intersects with other polemic baselines how? Prospecting and judging, what are they, prospecting looks out at the pattern and tapestry of understanding, finds correlations, reduces them down tot the context, limiting choices until concluding course of action, sees multiple choices in any given situation and must distill those down, tools like Occam’s razor useful in more efficiently deducing, deduction, intersects with logic, hold that thought, back to judging, judging, more ground in here and now vs prospecting, sees the immediate object reality, understands the situation as life programming dictates, then learns to expand, ask questions to ensure the veracity of their initial judgement, builds from that point out.  What is this then, decision making, how we determine a course of action, mental approach to problem solving…maybe, unsure, will play with that some more.  okokokokokokokokookokoko…okay next empathy as it intersects with those, what do we see, how would this unfold, each aspect would then have two sub aspects, function of empathy as related to ones ability to use deductive or constructive approaches to problem solving…background process…..why does it matter, is it relevant or should this be rational vs feeling  am talking about, my notion may be off, trace the origins here, thinking vs feeling, thinking is an activity, feeling seems to me to be a function of memory in the form of stored connections to emotional moments, emotions, bichemical, immediate, now….thinking, can’t be thinking, rational, favoring reason and therefore thought over immediate emtoional response, common areas of human conflict, emotional and judging with low empathy, breaks bad, moral imperative to raise right, emotional, judging, and high empathy breaks self, self-devalues, internalizes fault, intense dislike of self when broken, morale imperative still in place, exiling a certain personality type to essentially a metaphorical hell do to devalue difference, morally reprehensible….not need moral lessons right now, dislike even letting them creep in here, knowledge of audience impacting thoughts process here, may have ot suck it up, moral perspective in place and all, craptacular….break, liquid nutriment and damn nicotine addiction, need time away from family, cannot risk any temper relapse, damn, hijacked my martyr complex again, will continue to do so, must ensure faulty bullshit on the ole system is found and removed, ugh do not want to re-read everything, re-think all my thoughts I can recall to this point, must, any remaining faulty bullshit needs to be put into perspective, easily identified, good and bad dichotomy, vs moral action, judgement check, another decent tool, tangent, need break…no do not need, addiction desires, freaking powerlessness sucks, got it’s number, inevitable, but must make time, decade to long, too long already…bitter, 11 year olds smoking not cute…damage…brb…

Gone too long, going to edit to get thoughts back on track with prior thought process, frustrations needed some addressing for a few mins to get myself back in the ballgame.

thinking is mathematics and probability as primary informant for decisions, even if not using numbers, feeling, feeling is relying on past experience in an emotional context, favors past experience over odds, informed by past events, vs informed by probability of knowledge of the situation.  “have I seen this before?” vs “I’ve seen this before”, no maybe not, confusion, bleeding into prospecting and judging again, dislike the blurred lines, need to reduce this further, what am I getting at, come brain you can do this, your the one chewing on this so hard my jaw is clenched…what is it? Forgetting to ask why, why is empathy important? Allows for the function of a collective consciousness held by individual consciousness, why, empathy allows for the value of the whole over the value of the individual, social function. Important difference, not bad, lack of empathy can be troublesome, but not broken, extreme polemic, values self, enlightened self interest, rational model for empathy, looping back to earlier thought, no longer an irrelevant tangent, too intrusive, what is it then, explore this thought, understanding psychopathology, how does it relate? Rational self empathy only vs feeling self empathy only. Self empathy in form of emotions, feelings when something did not happen, baseline lends itself naturally to growth over time, understand others emotions even if not wholly valuing of them, potential damaged result? speculation, what would that mind look like, how would that damage show itself, other factors, thoughts, types of trauma, internalized fault or ok with difference and nihilistic, despair, damn it, feelings are hurt, angry, no empathy, would not feel bad about acts that devalue life, with damage, hyper vigilance, inflated probability of negative consequence or reaction, possible paranoia, does not get all emotional reactions, confused, would have to learn, adapt or hide at some point, how does this compare to the rational, rational is less reactionary more methodical, limited baseline for growth into feeling naturally and healthily without modeling behaviors, possible result, cold and distant, calculated,healthy enough to understand enlightened self interest but skewed towards self preservation when harmed, what else, come on what else …..extreme damage, would need rational motive or fractured thought, schizophrenic break, blurred reality or distorted reality, would focus on a cause, reason, serial killers or individuals who target and expect to not survive specific areas that caused trauma. Feeling, terror, inflicts emotional and psychological harm with intent, in form of serial killer, mocks authorities, rational mind leaves clues to be caught more likely or nothing at all, motivations are different, unless needing validation, damn, gets complicated but can be reduced down more readily, I know it can… just need context to put that profile into perspective.  What am I doing, I am trying to de-obfuscate core functions of human thought, identify where mental illness may be the actual underlying reason for confusion. Enneagrams, enneagrams looked at one the other day, one personality seemed geared to inherent negativity, even a psychopath finds joy, what does this inform me, and other correlations too, but not now, become tangents, kids are not born broken barring severe underlying neuropathy, that is passing judgement on difference, difference is imperative in the individual social group dynamic, it is the essence of progress, difference, different approaches, angles, perspectives..historical correlations, innovation along trade routes, east meets west, exchange of ideas, negative side of difference, fear, devalue what is feared, dehumanize, false dichotomies, war, trauma, blame, miscommunication, difference demeaned makes people mean, must communicate, must figure out how to show difference as valuable to our species, how do you get people to understand the need to understand their own baseline way of thinking when they are the dominant majority, how? must market, marketing is bad, propaganda, forced internalization of faulty wants and needs to sell a product, techniques are key to healing world too, the corporations must embrace ethical marketing, get people to value difference, buy for others not just for self, expand the social space, make room, celebrate, better utilize difference. Unhappy employees = waste of assets and potential, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, meet those needs, all humans just for being human, tech is available, can do this, lack will or motivation, devaluing, wants handouts, incapable, less capable, those who can’t teach, misunderstanding of value, art has value, nurture has value, the shaman and the priest have value, the skeptic and scientist, the athlete, the mathlete, all have value, must make room, fewer do’ers in the world then folks think, Imperial China, test to find empirical thinkers, or rational thinkers, or a host of other traits useful for running a bureaucracy.  Damn it, no tying this back in, why the moral tirade? because the devaluation of difference is the fundamental driving force behind mental illness and the failure of any single society to successfully integrate all difference, even egalitarian societies often have means of expunging members unsuitable for the tribe or society, or they become shamans, that works too, high rate of schizo-typical traits amongst that lot, makes sense, minds not geared to understanding the unknowable must try and know, when unable to know, can break, that break facilitates the acceptance of socio-cultural notions of what is going on at the expense of self…maybe, interesting thought….still functional in society, John Nash Sr. another example, own quote about the mathematical and the spiritual what was that, blurred reality, visual manipulation and auditory manipulation good enough to intrude realistically into field and view of object reality. When unable to sustain that sort of break, somatoform seems likely, all people have tactile manipulation capabilities as an inherent part of neurological function and movement of the body. Look there for answers, somatoform as trauma, results vary, minor issues to severe, how does hyper-tactile impact this, how does hyper vigilance impact this, what are we seeing underneath all the damage, we must know the base functions, we must expand education, like two different species in one genetic soup at times, but beyond two, so many more, baselines diverging, the array of ways the brain can work it’s way around a problem is substantial, that difference is of extreme existential importance, uniform thought patterns would inhibit the ability to work around things, species imperative to communicate and value difference, fears, AI, fears, encountering another sentience while damaged as we are, or have we? when do chimps and dolphins qualify, my understanding, sentience or some word more fitting, the denotative vs connotative meaning here is clunky for me, get’s personal context, understands personal context, animals do not understand personal context, have emotions but limited empathy based on socialization needs, rational approach, autism and animal connections as rational response to hyper-sensory perceptions, asperger’s varies based on the empathy spectrum, greater human empathy coupled with rational and logical observation of animals, think like an animal, understand the fear, lack empathy, accidental harm, failure to see signs of distress, anger over the animal’s reaction when young, could break in a bad direction.  Getting tired, still not pulling this together like I wanted, so much background noise, I have to separate the functions from the trauma and the trauma is everywhere, it is extensive.  Folks laugh at the use of words like dystopia, but when huge swaths of the population have to lie to themselves or each other just to ensure access to the assets they need to survive, and then so fail to understand how difference has value as to see most of it a neuropathy, and even if it is, should not be deterministic of ones joy…baseline, little bit of fate, once you know that little bit, all growth, your direction, your joy, your focus, healthy human endeavor. Mental illness, the elephant upon who’s back the earth is currently supported on, cannot demean difference, must teach children the value of difference, examples of collaboration and individual genius for example, the debate on do we need or have we truly needed genius vs collaboration, both people, both have value, genius is the direction of the questions, the daring thoughts, current academia stifles genius, publish or perish, avoid the “lunatic fringe”, should always be testing but not to the point that it is, academics need to be able to put out bad ideas and not have their career destroyed, inhibits novel thought, we must embrace more failure, but failure is seen as a waste of resources, hard to quantify the intangible benefits of learning from one’s mistakes which seems so asinine, since anyone who looks back at their life should realize how many important life lessons were freaking mistakes, especially physical or emotionally painful ones.  Which connects to corporal punishment, pain as punishment, pain to reinforce a lesson, must ensure lesson is connected to event, must react immediately or lecture later, pain to reinforce, how does that child learn, if pain must be repeated, pain is not how they learn, pain is immediate, quick, appropriate only for grievous harm or existential threat…fork in the electrical outlet, smack that hand, fork into a couch cushion, verbally correct or take the fork away, do not associate pain with ones difference either, tell the truth, get blamed for lying, get hurt, two options: higher empathy, take the pain and continue to bear the brunt of it when you can, lower empathy, lie to avoid the pain, self valuation of survival becomes important. Baseline personalities and inherent epistemologies when connected to socio-cultural, family, friends, social network, etc. provides a baseline profile on what, on why someone broke, how they think, true, easy enough to see those patterns, I understand where informed educated profiling becomes a tool of discrimination in the hands of those who are…not intuitive, trained in micro- expressions, unable to de-obfuscate hyper inflated probability, hyper vigilance from media bias? Officers need to be tested on intuition, ability to read and recognize facial expressions and emotions, lacking these functions is going to be an underlying cause in many potentially avoidable police homicides. Should be able to be trained if officers have a healthy baseline, damaged, ones who cannot see and value difference will scoff, will not hear, will not implement…but if the public has a will to see these skillsets in all officers, allowing them to read situations quickly and make proper judgments to de-escalate, then we have civil protectors again instead of law enforcement, hold outs will self select out over time, performance, actions, or changing atmosphere, unsure of impact on multi-generational families, cultural and genomic differences, host of other facts, difference between families, vary by type.  Must allow more room for difference, must identify broken people not evil people, seems so simple but folks do not get it, it is huge to truly understand that not even the psychopath is born evil and immoral, just extremely egocentric and inherently amoral, and that may not be great news, but it is still informative, what we see as a great social evil incarnate, is not inherently evil at all, just…wow, getting them old enough in a healthy manner to get enlightened self interest, damn that is a hard road, no family could be expected to tackle that on their own, takes a village to raise a child, it is more than shared physical burden and endeavor, it is exposure to different thinking, if you devalue the difference in a child you injure that child, you break that child, and then everything we see after, all the data we collect, all the correlations that we see, will be distorted by this damage, we must nurture all difference if we even hope to truly identify all the underlying causes….well we see these 8 genes in schizophrenia blah blah blah, well I bet ya do, why though? Are those 8 genes that make you miserable and go crazy, or are they associated with sensory function, sensory manipulation, rational vs feeling, what do they link too, what is the function? Is it underlying neuropathy and thus a factor of just nature, or is it more because it is obfuscated by a seemingly unique ability for our species to nurture in a way that is harmful and damaging to us at times.  Nature becomes pure biological determinism, you are born bad, broken, or whatever, not your fault but it has to be fixed, as a result of not being your fault though, you still get to struggle and barely subsist if listed as crazy….wtf? seriously, exactly how is that a recipe for anyone’s mental health? it is not even a satisfactory level of subsistence, ergo Maslow, not getting to the other shit that needs to be gotten done, good job everyone, ignore the underlying causes apply half-assed solutions and we get to grow the problem and scratch out heads wondering about inter-generational poverty and mental illness, ok getting a lil sarcastic right there. But it gets back to obfuscation of empirical data and understanding when we confuse difference in thinking and learning as neuropathy when it is maladpative to the current social climate and means of subsistence, that is all.  Ok I am done, this going to just be more rambling soon, the last bit here was not as much free writing as I like but open questioning, I find it informative to re-read this and see what path my thoughts followed, figure out where I forgot to connect back a thought or two, and grow from it, can I hammer half formed hypothesis into something sensible, I mean if I want too I can argue almost anything as possible given the write context, a tool easily abused, and often abused without intent when folks cannot test the veracity of their thoughts and claims. Insight, this is all, new approaches, keep attacking the ideas at all angles, get to the bottom, chip away at it until the very essence and very basic function is revealed, but reduced in a way people can freaking get, It should not be given out only in the form of academic jargon, the very act of that makes it exclusionary by nature, the Myers-Briggs appeals in that is was designed for normal people to pick up on, inform them about themselves, etc. Reason it is loved in corporations all over, folks who know their baseline way of thinking, can freaking communicate better, they can hear shit better and not just react to it out of pain and bias.  So many patterns, I cannot remember names, I lump together my philosophers into big chunks, but that is ok, because historically other people have seemed to have done that too, to the point it is sometimes hard to know which voice actually spoke what, because at the end of the day, it is the ideas that the people remember, I am not worried about my name living on, I worry about my ideas not finding use, that even when I follow a few correlations in the wrong direction for a bit, it is inevitable that when the flaws are exposed I will go back and fix that shit, perfectionism is a trait I have in abundance, and since what I do is freaking think, yeah, damn right I am gonna fix the faulty crap as a come across it, but don’t blame me for failing or seeking a wrong lead, we all do it, and I can do it at a very rapid rate, and when informed, when I can communicate with direct questions to people on subjects they are knowledgeable in, it becomes so much easier, thus the importance of the academic community, my love hate with it, I want to be in it, I want the minds on that campus to intersect over and over again with my own thoughts and understanding, but I don’t work well in rules and paperwork, I do not work well with deadlines and tenure threats and crap down my neck, I am too easily overwhelmed, and I had to do extreme damage to myself to not be overwhelmed in a way folks could notice, instead I internalized the hell out of that stuff to the extreme detriment of my own ability to trust my own body movements, damn it people, we gotta catch the difference young so as to foster, nurture and allow the differences to find meaning in life, and the current educational paradigm is not flexible enough for this, we know certain things need to be taught, but sometimes the way we teach it does not work for shit for some ways of thinking. I keep going back to my dislike of the Landmark college designed notebook system used in some schools to teach organization, it is a one size fit all approach, which works well for those apparently struggling with any organizational skills, but is pissed me off to watch already organized kids struggle with an organization system that was foreign to them, we were inhibiting their ability to organize, because we forced a method not designed for them onto them, you break people when you force them to fit a mold for the sake of expedience.  Folks see the schools often as waste of assets, why? this is damage, why is this damage? it is damage because people have a fractured sense of community, any given individual, since the means of production are mostly held in the hands of a few wealthy, do not see that person as important to their existential survival, the failure to recognize human endeavor vs production and wealth, ergo educating a person who has no “impact” on your existence is easy, especially if rational with lower empathy, but that is egocentric minimalism or something that feels like that, what do I mean? I mean it is the devaluing of difference, as a result of this, folks different have less value, you value humans based on utility, with not direct connection by which to foster increased empathy, cannot see how they connect to their existence, degrees of separation are too far, but that is faulty reasoning, all human endeavor by a healthy human mind should have a positive impact far more often than not, sure folks screw things up, miss things, but communicating and having folks with different ways of thinking collaborate together…oh what is this, difference helps ensure fewer mistakes? Social functions, collective knowledge of a species in the form of the record and in socio-cultural behaviors coupled with the advantages of the individual inherent epistemology that varies a great deal to fuel difference, instead of a queen, drones, etc you have a vast tapestry of difference, it should not be biological determinism, alpha, beta, gamma, bah…some people will find their joy in these various areas, but some will seek new routes, new avenues, self determination is as important to foster, biological determinism becomes an excuse to stunt growth from a biological baseline in my opinion, we need the difference.  Ok stopping here, tired for real now, guess I should tag it a wee bit. Crap, parting thought, education stand point, students embarrassed by difference, we need to let the teachers share and advocate that difference, if the other children cannot understand and thus value the difference, even if embarrassing at first for the child, it is better to live with and understand that difference, than to try and let them break themselves trying to fit in to a dominant way of thinking that is just never going to be the right fit for them, but cruelty in kids is reinforced behavior, the parents trauma or ignorance, or whatever passed down, we have to break that cycle and replace it, we do folks, that does not mean we have to agree on everything, does not mean the person of faith must break that faith, but they at least need to allow folks to the right to self determination even when they disagree, I identify as an atheist for example, I do not believe there to be enough evidence to support the notion of the popular idea of interventionist deities. Does that mean I am correct? no, it does not, but I do not understand the unknowable, I need context to understand things to connect it to my understanding of what I already have learned, I must question, I must understand all I can, I am ravenous for knowledge on just a crazy unfocused amazingly fun level when I am able to find the time to enjoy my curiosity, obeying social norms I find stupid, really harshes my metaphorical melon, no offense the back of a strong bench can survive my foot for a minute to look at something from a better angle, or whatever, it is not disrespectful in my mind unless you are damaging, leaving mud on it, etc clean your shoe off first, be courteous but be curious, without new perspective, our world would always be the same, how boring is that idea to me? horrifying, yet I am so overwhelmed by sensory data at times I often do not wish to go out and explore that…damn hyper-vigilance because folks see some behaviors as threatening that are not inherently threatening…maladaptive…damn went off again, this is a long mess of a post, but since it is like working on a blackboard or something, external working memory in a way, I am fine with that, and folks who are curious about other ways of thinking can get a really bad idea of how I think, so much easier in video, so much easier in person, so much context to be found in facial expression and body language, the animal instinct in conflict the the veneer of civility at times, gotta realize we are all a mix of both, and when our animal side is hurting we react like a wounded animal, but when our conscious side is damaged and is not even thinking right anymore, our reactions become so much worse than a wounded animal, we get mass murder, genocide, serial killers, child abuse, substance abuse, suicidal ideation, the list goes on…wounded animals lash out and may attack the current source, wounded sentience destroys that source of the pain as identified by them, and that can be based on subjective bias and faulty context, not just the immediate, physical object reality the animal experiences, and that is some truly horrific stuff. Ok stopping for real now, seriously, not gonna even edit the spelling, which is all I was doing anyhow, not much free writing if I rearrange sentences and such when the point was to get some thoughts out in a way that is insightful to how I think, but it is pretty horrible still, damn it is hard to share and conceptualize somethings at times.

Got my direction I think

So, I have been thinking really hard to figure out how best to progress, and honestly, that is going to start with a concrete starting goal.  Though a great deal of me would like to withdraw for a bit to work more on myself, object reality as it currently stands is not going to be so cooperative, so I will work on me while I work on something more worthwhile.  So, I was thinking more about my focus on myself as a case study, my autobiography about difference and how people unknowingly demean and devalue what is difference.  I am pretty sure I can weave the undercurrent of my faulty context theory, use false dichotomies as I currently see them in my examples of my understanding of how you have me here and now, sharing thoughts that a literally a few short months ago I would barely share hints of with those closest to me, I had effectively shut down that much.  I think, I can do that, the bibliography is less rigidly academic, it will allow me to incorporate a host of other sources folks might find strange, but to say people are not inspired by their choices in music, drama, etc is asanine, of course the things we take joy in are tied to how we think, how could it be any other way, the key is to allow for the healthy formation of self-identity in all children, then they will have growth, they will expand and grow.  I do not believe in purist notions of genetic pre-destination, I think attempting to manipulate the human genome in the form of turning on all the possible intellectual triggers could prove to be a detriment to survival, the difference and the junk in our DNA, can have purpose, we may never remotely need to rely on one of those old pieces of code, up until the moment we do.  And I do not think we can realistically expect in any near future the ability to tweak our genetic junk on the fly in real time to adapt, we will use our tools and technology for that.  As we explore the human genome, we need to be careful, ethically and morally as to where we draw a line a consider difference to be existentially defective.  Which is why I go back to subsistence and socializing, if with nurture a human can do these things, especially in a society that puts in the effort to make room for difference and for people to seek their happiness through their endeavors, then there is not defect to me, just extreme difference, and extreme difference can be hard on people, especially with a child who struggles to communicate, many on the autism spectrum have difficulty with speech and socialization in the form of developmental delays, in the case of someone like me, you get pretty much nothing but verbal and kinetic responses, and when I am young, before I can get metaphor, sarcasm, etc.  I first have to understand those very concepts, I cannot visualize and metaphor is often thought translated into an easy to visualized sort of scenario, since I lack the ability to do that and do not yet have enough knowledge and correlations to compare and contrast that statement, you end up with a literal interpretation of it…big oops, not forever though, and as soon as you introduce the very notion that people think differently and that is okay, it is not even defect, just difference, you can become ok with that, understand the difference you see that causes such intense confusion.  I am letting my mind wander here, I think that is better facilitated in the last vestiges of autumn sun before it gets chilly tonight.  I have a lot of hobbies still, my theories and communication equation, my playing with Myers-Briggs and Socionics, but those can stay hobbies and play a bit longer, because that very academic argument and approach is currently less important than getting out something that helps de-obfuscate in someways what we see as fault instead of difference, and how the home, school, or society in general can be harmful even when the intent is not to harm, the thought of the damage done to minds like mine, that yes, are fragile compared to others, was often done with the best of intentions, and that for some might be a hard pill to swallow, may result in simple attacks on my character, etc.  But the key is, self forgiveness, we cannot fix something when we cannot understand how it got broken, and in many ways, it is places like school.  Man, I did love me some in-school suspension, seriously I thought that was the best days to go to school ever, because I got to focus on my tasks in a low social distraction environment, and when I got my work done, I would try to get ahead a bit, and when I was ahead a bit I would read usually half or more of a 300 page book, that is a hell of a good day of learning in my mind, the classroom, the constant pressure to perform with the group, I got by on native intellect, but I was not challenged on that level, the challenges were always social, stuck in the here and now, unable to articulate my pain and confusion, deer in the headlights, until I lost my temper, the frustration boiling out in not just physical acts, but the most vile of personal attacks, see, I still argue I had no issues reading those facial expressions and emotional states, but I did not trust those instincts until I got angry, and when I used my verbal skills in anger, do not confuse what I said with what my intent is, my intent is to inflict maximum harm in minimum time to get the perceived tormentor to go away, it is the reaction of a wounded animal through the verbal skills of a damaged human consciousness, and I would say the most horrible things, folks  might think I was a hate filled misogynistic racist at those points, but it was worse, I am none of those things, but in my pain I know those things cause pain, so I would weaponize mass or personal trauma tailored specifically to my target, and no person should ever have had to be on the receiving end of that, my other mother, my mother’s wife, is Cuban, would be referred to as Afro-Caribbean, and we had some nasty fights in my late teen years, and I have said the most horrible stuff, but the reason she is one of my mother’s is because no matter what, no matter how dark, cruel, and cutting my words were, she knew on some level, that was not really me, and her ability to forgive me, when blood and genetics were not on the line, when these factors matter not a lick to her, that makes her my parent as rightly as anyone else, and I would not be here today without her as well, or my mother, father, grandparents, aunts, etc.  Even though I sometimes express my anger and frustration their way, it was not their fault anymore than it was my fault, we just failed to understand difference, and learn to teach to that difference.  Ok, stopping here, my autumn sun is almost gone, gonna edit this later…maybe, but I will probably forget until I read a glaring error in it tomorrow or a week from now.

Just getting a few doubts out here

Ok, feeling flip floppy on a few things these days, and that means something is either causing me to doubt my own logic, new data was picked up somewhere and is causing a re-interpretation of the logic, or I am just having issues with nagging self doubt, which is not out of the question.  So, I think I am overvaluing and undervaluing a few things in regards to my self understanding of autism, but there are a few gaps in my understanding of my own development that I need to hash out, basically it is trying to test more intensely what I consider innate ability, and what is learned ability…so I am hoping to hammer that out more, I recall always having great empathy and an ability to read faces and emotions, but I was unable to approach, to bridge that social gap, I still favor the idea that I was reacting to a subconsciously learned reaction to words and body language not matching up that inhibited me, but it was probably more complex than that, the environment around me, the complex PTSD, the constant fear that required a religious person to anoint my room in oil (twice), it is hard to pull out the proper order of things out of such a mess, but thankfully, the gems of my memory are not the dark ones, those are everywhere, to the point that it becomes almost mundane, as I work through more of the damage, it becomes easier, but as the damage unfolds, the hyper-sensory functions that continue to try and normalize are just overwhelming, and as a result I keep flailing around sending messages, trying to contact folks, it is just an exercise of a desperate intellect because I know I need to educated sounding boards, but I also need the structure, need focus, seems like a horrible thing to say as an adult closer to 40 than he likes to admit, but damn it, I am just not able to do this stuff, and this is not without extreme effort, I broke myself at a young age trying to do just that amongst other things.  So these doubts are nagging at me, I need more data, and I am searching earnestly, and some stuff tugs at the edges of my understanding, while other stuff seems to be showing some cracks and flaws, and this is fine, this is natural, this me working through my thoughts, it is not to be published as is, it is not remotely ready for any such thing, it is just the progress of my thoughts, and this time, my doubts.  I think maybe I will do some biographical writing here soon, give some real context to who I am behind the screen, a bit of human tragedy at the very least, and if we can learn from tragedy and attempt earnestly not to repeat it, then I am fine, I mean really, this was a crap road at times to be forced down, but if anything can come of it, any insight, any revelations, I give them freely still, I cannot value anything more highly than my thoughts, for they are that which I value above all, and yet I feel no desire to keep them solely mine, the stress of worrying about subsisting off my thoughts is not going away anytime soon, but I would rather someone stumble upon this and find value, insight, or just a new idea to test.  Maybe someone will see echos of themselves in my words if they can stomach reading this, and that holds more value to me than any of the crap marketing has tried to tell me would make me happy, or make me wealthy, bah.  Human communication, human thought, human joy, human survival, human compassion and compersion, these things have meaning to me, as they are by my own inherent epistemology, the areas in which I am fascinated, curious above all, and find my joy.

New perspective on a small detail about Autism

I have since expanded my understand, such as through the writings of John Elder Robison, so this applies to how my brain is wired, but there are differences in many with ASD’s.

So watching the TED talk Video by Temple Grandin (Link)today got me thinking, and I am not unfamiliar with Temple’s work, but I was having trouble myself chewing on a small but important piece of what I am trying to bring together here logically. This comes back to the social awkwardness seen in autism spectrum disorders.  Now, I still stand by my qualitative understanding of very logical minds being naturally more adept in reading, without realizing it, micro-expressions and body language. But, for many well adapted logical minds, there is not as much of an issue with body language and directed communication being problematic, I am sure the intuition functions for seeing lying and such are pretty good still.  So the piece I was missing was right in front of me, one of the defining characteristics of the autistic mind, hyper-sensory factors come into play.  So the social communication breakdown does exist, but not as a function of an inability to read micro-expressions and body language, but by the over valuing or under valuing of body language.  I think in most environments this is not going to manifest as particularly harmful at all, just some difference that can be worked on. But the correlation goes a bit further, it also connects to me the notions of the origins of some somatoform illness, and if an autistic child stops trusting their body language because people find it strange, odd, or demean it, etc.  It becomes internalized fault, the body begins to be more clumsy, more awkward, when you keep your body in check because you do not trust how it betrays your thoughts or folks with mis-interpret it, and hyper-vigilance sets in, it gets pretty bad for some of us, pretty quick.  So I do not want this to continue on too long, I am still trying to connect this back to a few other things, but I did not want to lose this thought.  There is a tremendous amount of difference amongst autism spectrum, Temple’s break down seems adequate, but even those categories are really not feeling as solid as that. Temple has a very strong basis on the various manipulations of sensory data, I think connecting it back to logical thinking, and my gut, so only half formed hypothesis at best, still makes me feel that it is going to be prospecting/expansionistic minds (nope, it is is official I hate the expansionistic/reductionist pairing, it will be changed shortly). I believe we are seeing just some human extreme, that might go unnoticed as being a serious difference in another time and space. Well, gonna keep chewing on this, but worth contemplating at the very least, even if I discard some other things later as I refine, verify, and improve my thoughts on the subject.

Feeling overwhelmed…(freethinking, unedited with intent)

So, feeling overwhelmed, a lot of crap going on, world events, my own theory, my communications equation thingy, my breaking down and re-grounding Myer’s-Brigg’s qualitative research with an understanding of how it fits into current empirical data and where it informs us we need to look for me data. So, I am just going to vomit some stuff onto the page, why? I could just process this stuff some other way, but if I want people to get my context, then a few brave souls who are curious about just how my mind works, will enjoy reading this, and then they may at some point translate my raw thoughts into something with a modicum of use at least for themselves or someone else, my transparency does not come fully naturally anymore like it should have, I hiccup sometimes, hold things back, rationalize protecting other people secrets so they can take accountability for things on their own terms, and honestly, you have to forgive yourself for the shit you had not control of, the badge judgements you made because you did not understand how your own thought process likes to learn, live and find joy.  There is no amount of quantifiable reparations that can be given to everyone for everything done to each other, this is the essence and importance of forgiveness, but you cannot forgive others if you are still beating yourself up inside, if your insecurities, unspoken thoughts and unspoken feelings find no outlet, this is mental illness, and it may stay just a few small things, but those smalls things that you keep rattling about, may be an important aspect of what defines you, your baseline, your soul, your biological hardwiring, whatever you want to call it.  People must take the time to just understand, consciously how the are wired to think, if we get that down, if we get humanity’s context down writ large, we then have the tools to work together to undo the damage we have done to ourselves, all of which is none of our faults, not a living person alive can take total accountability for every thought and decision they have made, because the bullshit that came before has been cumulative, and sometimes we take a step forwards, and sometimes we take a step back in one or another different areas, but the reason we do not have harmony, is that we have yet to understand how each and every one of us born, given a chance to learn they way are mind is wired too, given a chance to play, learn, and find our joy, then the work that needs to get done gets done, we value the farmer more than the artist because the farmer’s work is easily quantifiable, it has a very black and white outlook, even though many a farmer I have met, including my great uncle, were often introverted and logical, not all are, but more than a few, people do find their joy in their play and way they learn, and a mentally healthy social being will naturally want to make sure their endeavors help others.  The value of a great piece of art to a mind that needs some new perspective to work through things is priceless, as priceless as the farmer’s hard work to feed us all.  When people seek their joy in a healthy way, morality is the result.  And if joy is found through how one plays and inherently learns, then education becomes a moral imperative in a time like this, the expansion of our understanding of human context must make room for all inherent ways of thinking. The equation is simple, can they take care of fundamental needs and can they socialize, even if their context means it is a lot less than others, even the hermit finds value in the visitor bringing news and helping act as a sounding board for ideas, we are social creatures. So if we understand how we think and view the world, if we can articulate that with people who also get that, i.e. authentic people, but as qualitatively touchy feely as that notion feels to some, and I have certainly struggled with some terms due to the connotative but not the denotative definition, I wield them both well, usually, I have my moments, but I do dislike connotation without context, it bugs me as it is ambiguous, and ambiguity is bad communicating.

Got hijacked, random split up, decided to put on some music, see how it frames my thoughts as I go, might as well try and connect back to whatever I was babbling a few moments ago…So, education and authenticity are how we work to ensure mentally healthy people, and it is gonna be odd folks, right now we often view mental health as someone who has something wrong with them…dystopia…right here, again…no one’s fault…cumulative bullshit, cultural detritus, a failure to understand human and personal context. And all of this pretty much had to happen to reach this point, and people who come after will strive and fail and build and create and enjoy the words and thoughts and ideas that came before, this is progress, many failures are a natural part of it.  So right now, we medicate difference into thinking like the dominant society, because we believe that difference is illness, it is not illness, it is a maladaptive inherent operating system that is being damaged, mostly unwittingly, but sometimes from cumulative trauma from folks around them.  Once again, can a person take care of their fundamental needs, in whatever way that works for them, be it indigenous peoples, western capitalists, downs-syndrome, etc.  Sure, some people may need more nurturing, more attention than others, but tell me when investing honestly in someone or something  goes poorly, it is lying, deceptions, and masks that hijack that.  So right now, in the United States, we are selecting against some of the great thinkers, the great idea givers, the great teachers…right now.  A not sizeable chunk of our potentially great social thinkers are not making it to a meaningful and productive adulthood, we are medicated, or enraged, we retreat from reality when we can, some suffer from visual hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, and a current hypothesis I am bouncing around, not empirically supported remember, just an interesting thought, is that some somatoform illness could be a schizoid type related to tactile hallucinations and hypervigilance. What these things mean is that the functions in the mind that help distinguish object reality as we see it through our senses can be harmed, I am not sure if it causes permament damaged at some point or not, but it is a sign of mental illness, in-authenticity by what I would argue as cautious analytical mind (not sure if that is exclusive or propensity, but I do not feel emotional versus rational is a big factor at this time) causes the internalization of fault and scolding strongly as personal fault, self doubt, and when these things are kept inside and denied a sounding board with other social beings, they will get distorted, warped, twisted, for they will only be grounded in one person’s skewed way of thinking, and they may never manifest in a way that causes harm, maybe just catatonia, or suicide, or they could break bad and cause harm, or start to hallucinate, start to doubt their own bodies signals to the brain, or become rigid from hiding natural tendencies other view as odd or crazy. On that note right there, sorry folks, if someone catches me muttering and rubbing my head, I am not insane, I am using a comforting grounding behavior to keep myself in the here and now to address existential threats, pacing helps with that too, and I may be framing a modeled conversation in my head and may need to vocalize a bit to help analyze or practice something, not crazy.  The problem is, these natural behaviors can be seen in very mentally ill people as well, and folks could see a correlation there, these behaviors equal insanity, but that is a false correlation, it has obfuscated the truth.  People who think this way and use these sorts of grounding behaviors are the more naturally dis-associative folks, and as I like to say, they are very prone to being harmed in todays society, but it cannot all be their fault when they break. A damaged adult is a damaged child who never had a chance to really establish their own healthy identity, and that damage came from sources other than that child, not their fault, and yes we need accountability for our actions, in a healthy and moral society this would be easy, one of the things I loved about the USAF is that with my leadership I did not feel afraid when I fucked something up, that lack of fear motivated me, relaxed me, and though I would mostly say my work had an empirical quality of it, that is because I had a great series of shop chiefs who would listen to my ideas, let me know when I was re-inventing the wheel, and help focus me….it was a team, we worked as a team, we got past our differences in politics, religion, etc and found common ground in potty humor and sophomoric humor, but everyone farts folks, it is funny that people make such a big deal out of a natural biological function that, yes, at times is unpleasant, but don’t feel embarrassed for a bodily function you have little control over, if you can do the courteous thing and step out of the room, absolutely, but in a healthy society, we would naturally desire to not subject someone to this, ergo when it did happen, it was out of a persons control, at which point, it is object reality intruding on stuff and all you have is a chance to laugh that stuff off, better to get a chuckle of it if you have to deal with the sensory undesirable reality, good and healthy folks.  But when out humor targets and de-values difference, when it objectifies, even when it is just read out of context in a way that is harmful, it is not so funny anymore. But humor is one of our biggest tools, it allows us to keep current horrible realities through “inappropriate jokes”, to poke fun at difference we do not always get but not in a way that demeans, or satire which can demean, but is used as an important social tool, that grounds those in power with feedback from others.  You can read a satirical peace on yourself when you are mental healthy (but that does mean just because you can, you are…lot of possible faulty internalized BS elsewhere) you can get the context of the satirist, understand they have a different perspective, and try to take that into healthy consideration.  So humor, is one of the great tools we have right here, right now to help better communicate and understand, but we must ensure it remains grounded in proper context so as to not be easily misconstrued.  You still cannot prevent reflex reactions from folks honestly and earnestly struggling with their own demons right here and now, but that little bit of extra effort to provide context (after the joke even if the shock factor has value), so folks can process it as the original humorist intended.  Tongue in cheek for example, transmits horribly through written media without some good context, not so good in a tweet of 140 characters. Probably why I don’t tweet, maybe I should, I might be able to actually focus a damn thought or two down to something useful to the majority of folks, but hell I am still rebuilding myself, still getting used to learning in the right way for me and working earnestly to share my own unique worldview with folks, and it is unique, just because I can read many great philosophers or religious leaders and see great parity in their thoughts and understand many share a very similar inherent way of thinking to me, does not mean I am them, certainly does not mean I have a “christ complex” because I am an earnest, caring person, even with my very logical and rational mind, talk about growth there, I did manage, even when in my secret schizoid phase for around 30 years, to learn a great deal about different people and how they think, my rationality was able to grow towards feeling easily when I put this all in perspective, because I get it, not at the same levels as some folks, but that is not my operating system, not my bit of purpose in life.

I find myself struggling with not wanting to sound like a bleeding heart, which is funny in a way, since that is exactly what I am, a bleeding heart, a person who even in junior high had consciously realized that I try to carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, would have thought that bit of self knowledge would have been enough for me to see the lie, but I had no healthy educational tools to triangulate my logic to see what was faulty and what wasn’t, but I can tell you this, little things like that in the face of a life that was pure hell a good chunk of the time, that was amazing, my bit of innate morality holding on in a sea of anger, fear, and rage.  The beginning of my 8th grade year I went to a small Christian academy, a really nice one, even though I was not a believer then; that came later and was short lived, but damn I tried my hardest to find the joy I thought I saw my father finding after the divorce, I tried so hard, no wonder I snapped, my temper getting worse especially when I felt I was replaced, I literally tried to force belief into myself in a very unnatural way, even though I had known about my anger against it for a long time as well. self sacrificing, by nature folks…I value harmony that much, it seems so crazy.  Any who…I go booted out of that academy, with pretty good reason, and was home schooled for a bit, which was fantastic for a bit, but I just could not stomach the history I knew was skewed, to this day I know way more about Tetzel and indulgences than I really needed too, but I did like reading about Martin Luther, another mind who had great thoughts, even if the context is off, the earnest great thoughts of trying to increase understanding is a wonderful thing.  So that created an interlude and I went back to school and did ok, because at that point my best friend’s life was in turmoil and that far overshadowed my return to public school in the drama that is Junior high.  But that summer I had another interlude, the violence that no longer came out at school, came out more at home and that had far reaching results and implications, for in the earnest attempt to seek treatment, I finally ended up good and broke, what was teetering on the edge of a schizoid personality disorder became a reality, in my case it took the form of the secret schizoid with a great deal of somatoform symptoms, this was further confused by a very real family neurological condition, occam’s razor when applied, easily missed the internalized bullshit, I was so good at showing fake emotion on my face, that it is honestly frightening to me, far more frightening than some folks calling me a fraud or a host of other things, thankfully, I held onto compassion for whatever reason, the faults and miscommunications were my own, it was my failure to communicate, my failure to remember to do something, my fault for pretty much everything in my sphere of influence, including knowingly taking blame for shit I did not do, in my damaged way, my desire for harmony became mental self-flagellation, and folks, that is tragic, no offense, the lack of caring, weeping, nurturing bleeding heart men who are fine with who they are, are such a rarity in this world to begin with, let alone to allow society to continue to select against them. And finally, for all the men out their who need to feel validated about their own injustices, yes, Autism in particular effects men more, but this is not necessarily related to sex, the issue is gender.  See, the logical bleeding heart thing these days, can still be ok for a lot of girls, it may be demeaned or diminished, but for the most part it is not forced out of them to conform to some skewed notion of gender as being indicative of ones sex and sexuality.  All major different ways of thinking can be found in males and females, there are preferences due to sexual dimorphism as regional genetic populations, etc, but they are not exclusive to either.  And yes, sexual dimorphism is a reality, but when you are in-authentic, especially hyper vigilant, we over-inflate probability, start interpreting our data through a faulty context, label difference as something we must force out of people, dystopia folks. So gender, is not a spectrum at all, it is pretty much bullshit based on the fact that just because one sex may favor certain operating systems more, does not mean that they all should act and behave and think like the majority, that is bullshit, it de-values difference, it interferes with a healthy natural way of thinking for everyone that allows our difference to fuel progress. My logic is great for theories, can spin off a tremendous amount of hypothesis, the empirical thinker is a great discoverer and can get to fine details with solid data, that data then makes it way back to a great logical mind who throws it about some more, damn we work together so well, we just keep thinking that we have to value one inherent way of thinking over another, especially just because some are more common. Of course some are more common, that makes sense, not just based on societies selecting against certain inherent ways of thinking often due to internalized bullshit gender norms about what a “man” or “woman” is supposed to think and behave like, other than some different hormone concentrations, that will impact these things, the base operating systems of the human race show up in both sexes. And so these things can certainly influence sexuality as we know it, especially issues with gender dysphoria, but homosexuality for example, is not a choice, and it makes sense, demographic correlations with urban populations certainly make it relatively easy to argue for it as an inherent population control mechanism, not unheard of in the natural world, and there are a lot of different population controls.  I often chuckle at the interpretation of “go forth and multiply” from the context of today, we are still multiplying, but the go forth part, is pretty damn tricky, unless we want our home to be a cesspool. So my logical humor tells me that I should simply write the Pope, since we can’t seem to compromise on birth control much, how about we join teams and promote space exploration…oh yeah, we don’t want to leave this rock without getting our context right, a mentally unhealthy human race is not something I would like to set loose on the multiverse, and since in-authenticity damages how we hear and understand, sure as hell hope we do not encounter another intelligence before we do, or shit could go bad.  Same as I have said about artificial intelligence, right now, we are most likely going to create something mentally unhealthy itself or something that sees the mental illness run rampant amongst humans and decide to do something about it, for “good” or “ill”, it could certainly damage ones ability to find authentic joy, learn, play, work, and just be glad your alive.

Faulty context folks, we have a faulty notion of what difference really is, we fail to understand just how different people think, we try earnestly to understand and create qualitative ideas such as introvert and extrovert, even ground it with some data on how folks are getting exhausted, well I may suck at manipulating numbers and doing math that way, but I can qualitatively reduce like a bastard, and for a bit I thought it was a social construct, or a fusion of the different personality types, etc.  Because it is not a personality type, it is a function of metabolism and thought, it is simply enough the rate at which our mind processes data compared to how much data we are taking in.  So a lot of folks ask about ambiversion for example, well extroversion and introversion are in a sense math,  Amount of Input + Ability to process information = a positive or negative sum, introversion or extroversion. Thus, the amount of data you are taking in, how you are taking data in , the comfort level of the person taking in data, as heightened vigilance will impact this, and any dis-associative or grounding aids you may have (liquid courage anyone? joke), and yeah you may be burning more energy trying to take in and process everything, or you may be not having to use much metabolic juice and the flush of chemicals and such help keep you energized for long periods of time.  Me, I am an extreme introvert now, hypervigilance which I am working on, really really impedes my ability to function in large crowds, it is exhausting, overwhelming, just too much data, the vibrations in my feet give me vertigo, oversensory stimulation, somatoform illness, a cane to ambulate, honest mistakes all around, not a fraud, and not currently crazy, but still damaged, still growing, working, repairing, and I would not have it any other way at this point.  So there, to go with my breakdown of Logical (intuitive) versus Empirical (observant) thinking as being the mechanism by which we build our schema, our understanding of our data, our preferred information processing baseline, we also have introversion and extroversion as a function of data input and analysis that does require a metabolic connection, our brain uses a good chunk of energy and a brain chewing over a lot of data, especially us hyper sensory types, yeah that can be exhausting, and just eating won’t cover it well, sure eating well and making sure we have healthy energy is an important part of getting out and enjoying life, but when your data and processing power almost always runs at a deficit when you are in a moving, changing environment…yeah, you can’t keep up well, you need to take a break and process stuff, and that may not be even consciously, but certain activities are less intensive, the data is more manageable, such as reading a book, or listening to a podcast and thinking about it, introverts do seem to find affinity in these things for example, or art, or a host of other things, not exclusive to them by any means.  So I am going to wrap this up, it is closing in on 4000 words of mostly mindless wandering around in branching out logical tangents, and it was certainly a good exercise for me to frame my thoughts, who the heck knows if anyone else will find value in this, too much redundancy at times but such as I am haha, I keep revisiting my own ideas and trying new context, I have to triangulate to trust the veracity of my thoughts, and that means I will gladly change my mind about something when the data or correlations or object reality dictate otherwise, take care and be well, anyone subject to this for any length of time at all, sorry.

About that first post…and apparently a whole lot on Logic and Empiricism.

So that first post is a cut and paste of something I was going to put on facebook, but my much more grounded wife highly recommended I place more of my intellectual “property” here.  Which to me, is rather amusing, I know I need to make a living, I am tired of being just another disabled veteran (non-combat if folks are wondering), I want to use my my mind to continue to understand how we communicate and how truly different we are. It can be so hard to get folks to understand that we are Aliens to each other, especially if we don’t truly know how they think. This is made so much worse, when people all over do not know how they themselves truly think. At the moment I am sort of mucking around with the Jungian models and the Myers-Briggs test, I have mostly have issue with some wording, easy enough, mostly nuance and semantics, but also believe it misses a huge component to how people think, and that is how we manipulate sensory data within our own minds, this too is going to impact how we think, interact with people and learn.  As I understand it is right now, I think prefer to think of “Energy” for example as a mis-identification of how we build schema and learn, I think that the energy component exists because there is a metabolic connection to doing what we find joy in by learning through our on inherent intuition/logical or observant/empirical epistemology, it feels natural and easy, likewise when one is forced to learn in ways contrary to how they build their own schema, there is in a sense a bit of mental illness, it depresses the metabolism, much like introversion/extroversion can be seen to have metabolic components, I am so going to forget to get back to this but trying hard to avoid a tangent, so back to what I call logical vs empirical and how I conceptualize the difference in the building of schema. The empirical mind as I understand it, which is not my inherent paradigm, sooooo correct me if you see a flaw, please, that is good stuff. I digress, as usual, so the empirical mind learns, metaphorically by building cognitive constructs essentially from the bottom up, as they learn new things and build new structures they then connect them together…kinda like Minneapolis come to think of it =P These structures are, for a healthy empirical thinker very sound, well thought out, but the approach used it what we often see as A,B,C,D thinking, since their way of processing data and information relies on building these very solid, wonderful cognitive structures, they thrive in concrete, focused learning environments. On the other hand, the logical mind builds their schema, not in ordered structures surrounding them (thinking inside the box so to speak) but from themselves outwards in an every expanding constantly changing “pattern” of logic, often times we logical folks will offend folks who think empirically or make them feel less intelligent when we quickly point out flaws, possibilities we see, because our fundamental way of processing data means we are constantly seeking new information, new thoughts, new ideas into our schema, we are capable therefore of jumping around and not just going through an empirical building process, but this is difference, nothing more. The disadvantage of the logical mind is that we are less grounded in object reality than the empirical mind, we remember the pattern of things but not the fine detail often, we forget names, dates, and find a bibliography a horrifying notion at times when your more logical than anything else, as is my case. Crap, Piaget again, schema, not an original thought, I steal remember? I see patterns, metaphorically, I am mind blind as heck, to fake sight reading music I used my eyes to translate the notes kinesthetically by moving them up and down; it um kinda works? But in regards to patterns I therefor see the world in an expansive ever changing and fluid pattern, as I learn new things I bounce them off this massive, often seemingly chaotic, logical framework.  This allows the logical mind to very quickly identify flaws, to deconstruct things.  So we have…difference, a fairly substantial difference, and this is one of many things that informs me that different societies begin to select against certain other inherent ways of thinking, the result is mental illness, barring an underlying neuropathy, damage, environmental damage, etc. It is a sign of either trauma being past down in a family and internalized, or a culture itself that does not get your personal context and how you do, truly think very differently.  I am going to stop here, object reality is tugging me back, and I am all sorts of jargon using right now and that is not a great way for me to communicate, gotta work on that.