Why I fail at being an individual…. (Semi-rant)

So the title makes this sound extra dire, but it is not really, just part of the reality that is me.  Folks will notice that my amount of writing has dropped substantially, this is not just weather and cold making me have issues focusing, it has a direct correlation to no longer going to see a therapist.   Now why is that? Well actually it is quite simple, I cannot maintain momentum of thought on my own, in a way I am half an individual instead of a full one, my intellect for all of it’s potential is unable to be applied on my own, I have to be in a proper environment.  So, without a weekly chance to have a sounding board, talk about interesting things, and thus get my gears grinding, I instead sink down into indolence, wasting my time letting the days and hours tick past because I cannot focus my own intellect in worthwhile endeavors.  See, I can’t thrive just off books, or youtube videos, or even forum discussions. I hate the written word and one sided information, I desire debate and conversation, yet the days of the coffee shop filled with eager young minds are mostly behind us, certainly in my area.  Instead it is folks plugged into their computers and social networks and the groups of eager minds in my area are mostly the Free Staters, so consumed with their sense of purpose and anger at the injustice they perceive everywhere, that they ruin their own message with feeble attempts to gain publicity, and hanging out with angry self-defeatists I have done plenty of in my life time and I have no practical use for them.  So, I tried to dive into MMO’s again and gaming, and still there I see so many damaged individuals getting their kicks off trolling, griefing, and bullying.  Bullying is everywhere these days, harsh judgement and the dehumanizing of others, on the internet of course it is particularly easy as there is far less accountability for one’s actions, and the veil of anonymity helps hide the person.  But it does not hide the damage, it does not hide how our society has been so focused on the alpha get it all extroverted individualism, that basic human empathy and understanding has been sacrificed upon the altar of a warped perception of what makes us in the US “exceptional”.  I have no place in this world, the anger and ire, judgement and general douche-baggery of it all, I find it abhorrent, and yet I am supposed to function within it. Somehow, I still care what happens to our species, when the vast amount of our species cares shockingly little for those outside of their in-group. Now, that is not universal, there are great many folks who devote themselves to great causes and helping others, but it is a small percentage compared to the culturally programmed robots who go about their days doing just as the dominant social paradigm dictates and so grounded in the hear and now, that their ability to see the big picture and empathize with others is reduced to a small scale, so willing to have their small transitory creature comforts built on the blood on innocents through out the world.  And in all of this, I fail. See, I will most likely never write the book I have thought about, not enough data, and I have already pieced it all together, so now it bores me…yes, bores me.  I have decimated the MBTI, I have put human context into an equation, and yet I will do nothing with it.  I have talked about economics, about attacking the underlying major contributors to mental illness and criminality, pointed out how we use bullying in our day to day endeavors as means of getting what marketing has programmed us to want.  Our hijacked sense of self identity, carefully crafted using modern science and tried and true propaganda, we are taking such a short sighted approach to existence.  And for all my ability to see the patterns, to test the veracity of my logic, I am stuck, the tortured would be philosopher, the grand thinker who cannot get his thoughts out.  And thus, I am but half a functional human being, and given my criticisms and friends who are actively in academia, I would not likely ever be allowed to set foot in such hallowed halls, as thinking outside the box and pointing out such things are not desired by most institutions, and the competition for those that are more daring is fierce. On top of it, I lack the “credentials” since I chafe at the traditional system, one must memorize names, dates, and theories to an extreme to prove that one has the intellect to be an academic, the rule of rote learning has proverbially lobotomized our institutions of higher learning in favor of creating educated laborer’s instead of true innovators and thinkers.  The modern group think even ponders if the world needs genius, well unless such genius is in something quantifiable, such as mathematics, we cannot even answer that question, so many brilliant minds, genius or just near, will never make it into the modern academic world to share their unique insights and perspectives. GRE’s, grades, endorsements, the financial means, all these things layer and layer hoops too winnow down applicants, and as a result, inherently limit the kinds of intellects who make it that far.  But there are so many other ways of being, ways of thinking that add to our cumulative knowledge as a species, but many of us, just simply will not find a place in the current world paradigm. Many are less defective than I am, me, I am just a sounding board who connects patterns, and as such useless to furthering human endeavor myself without some direction or purpose.  Given that many of the places I might stand a chance of getting a foot in the door are urban environments where the barrage of sensory data overwhelms me, I find myself stuck, isolated, and contained.  I am unsure of how I will progress from here, an intellect with no outlet, I dream of being lobotomized myself, to be tucked back into “The Matrix” and carry on in ignorance, for then I could endeavor in some small manner that has meaning.  I have no followers, no acolytes, no audience or friends with whom to share the constant barrage of my thoughts, and I still refuse to mask it all in psuedoscience and chicanery, I will not become some New Age guru, or cult leader, or a host of other things my skill sets would allow for, my integrity is not for sale, and I will lie down starving in a ditch before I do so.  We need more people of principle, not folks just trying to survive in an economy stacked against them, we need to evolve our understanding of the human condition, neurological variations, and the value in folks who are different.  But right now, though I see clearly some paths to improving such things, I cannot get it done, I do not have the energy or the focus to do so, and this small blog is all I have to share my meager thoughts with the world, to a limited audience, with no tangible gain.  This is the fate of being half a functional person, constantly distracted, ever seeking to assimilate more and more knowledge, and never being able to stop long enough to properly share all that I learn.


2 thoughts on “Why I fail at being an individual…. (Semi-rant)

  1. Jared says:

    I see a lot of myself in this post, I am never quite completely accepted anywhere, I want to make a difference in the world but I’m not sure I ever will. It is a lot to think about. I too get bored once I figure things out. You think on a far deeper level than I do but all the same I see a similar pattern. I would love to act as your sounding board however being on the other side of the country and being of far inferior intellect I’m not sure how effective I’d be at it. Keep up the writings as you can.


    • Now Jared, no denigrating your intellect, your focus and knowledge base is way different than mine at times and that is not a bad thing o’ Lord of fishing and mushrooms. And let’s face it, most people throughout history don’t steep themselves in the stuff I do constantly hehe.


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