Been a few days since I posted, The national day of mourning/Thanksgiving or however you relate to that day has come and gone, hopefully folks found the time to do more than just eat and shop, but to connect or relax, or anything else that just helped break up the monotony of daily life. During this time, I have been enjoying and laughing at how some of my blog posts have actively caught me in a regressive state. Not sure how I missed that, funny how one can readily identify some things externally, but in one’s own internal world, totally miss the obvious. On the upside, one can read through some posts and see this at work, and there is value in this to someone I imagine, and that is good. Thankfully, being embarrassed by such things is not really in my nature any more, when one has frequent emotional outbursts throughout their own life and has stood in front of a class of 6th graders and taught, well embarrassment becomes a liability and the healthy approach is to learn to roll with the punches.
So recently, this whole regressive state culminated is a very very nasty verbal tirade via Facebook to my father. It was definitely written to cause pain, to unleash upon him the anger and frustration, fear and self loathing, and a host of other things. I feel terrible for the words, I do not feel terrible that I unloaded on him though, because I had in fact stopped communicating, and the result was a very unambiguous wounded child response that was still an attempt to communicate. And as a result of this, my father, who I have tried to emulate throughout my adult life, when i failed at X I would ask myself what would my father do, and then I did it, at a much more accelerated rate, he was my road map when things fell apart, and though that road map was never one inherently designed for me, it proved adequate for a time, even if I still failed to thrive, failed to hold down a steady job that did not have a threat of repercussion held over my head (thus why I did well in the USAF, but pretty much bombed everywhere else). But even then, I was overwhelmed and just did not understand what was happening. Anyhow, I digress again, my father and I are now actively communicating in a way we have not …ever done. He has been looking back at things done right and things done wrong, because there was never any malicious intent here. Sometimes when I get writing fast I compress things together, and I realize that it may not always paint my family in a positive light. But, my family did their best with the information they had, they did not stop trying actually, sadly I did, I clammed up and stopped communicating, just because I am highly verbal and can make use of words from an external point of assessment, does not mean I ever properly utilized that skill set as a means of authentic communication, instead it became a defense mechanism, a means of showing my intellect through verbosity, and a host of other things. I have a long and troubled history with words and language, I continue to find it inadequate based on how it is chained down by social norms and conventions and how deviation from preferred speech patterns brings more of the one thing that constantly holds me back, fear of judgment.
I am hoping something far more beneficial will come out of this, my Father is keeping track of our emails in a computer program, making sure he stays on top of things, I find that fascinating, and potentially useful. Our trials as a Father and Son could be useful at some point in the future, maybe a collaborative effort (just speculation, not signing my Father up for something like that) between the two of us could produce truly beneficial relationship advice for other families who struggle with such things.
Sometimes, when I hit rock bottom, I decide to fight, and sometimes it turns out that what I am attacking is what I am actually fighting for, in this case a better relationship with a man who I have such a complex relationship with, and until recently never even let him know. So this blog is for him, I love you Dad, sorry for continuing to put you through the wringer, but I have faith that the results will be worth it, and maybe it is a decent first step in helping a family heal.