I felt like I needed to write something today about my general state of confusion and the fluctuation currently in my self identity. I cannot seem to figure out a solid direction, do I write the book I have been thinking of? It seems overwhelming, it seems like no matter what I am going to put forth supposition instead of the hard facts I want, but I am a qualitative thinker, it is how I am wired. Do I continue with my artwork? My subconscious mind seems to want to do little else but draw, sing, and a host of other forms of expression that I consciously do not find real tangible value in, I was a great actor when I was younger and I utilized that skill set to attempt to survive in our society, with very nasty very pronounced personal results, so I am not sure I could get myself to act again, I think my fear of slipping into masks again inhibits me. But, my fears inhibit me on pretty much everything these days, and as a result I can see the stress of dealing with me, as well as my daughter, weighing heavily on my wife. My wife works full time, always brings her work home with her, then she tends to the home front, cleaning, cooking, doing the bills. What do I contribute? I set of eyes to make sure my daughter does not harm herself, but also I project my fears and doubts her way, even when I try not too. It makes it hard to value oneself as a parent when you are pretty much a fail at it, I love my daughter so much, but it is so draining to force myself to engage in activities with her, and when we try to find mutual activities, well neither of us play well that way, we have very different ideas as to what to do.
I have degrees, I have life experience, and yet I cannot seem to translate these into something useful and meaningful. The only place I almost thrived in a work environment was when I was sequestered in my own room in Munitions Operations as the document control individual, and though not fulfilling to me on a personal level at all, at least there I was given chances to improve, to dig into the procedures and actually troubleshoot things, something I am good at, even without technical expertise. But that same ability that allows me to do that with ease, is the same thing holding me back, all those myriad possibilities that I cannot process fully in the here and now, but must disassociate to utilize properly, means I am almost incapable these days of making a decision.
Do I continue to work on my communications theory? How would that ever catch on, when I try and email folks for input or guidance, I never get a response, hell I can’t even get folks at a local yoga place to email me back, let alone someone who might provide me guidance.
Do I try and write and engage the Neurodiversity movement? I see great parity in their ideas and thoughts and see vast potential for it, but how do I figure out a topic, how to I move forward? See, without a mentor, without that bit of steering, I am nearly useless, and I cannot just pay for things, I need investment in me, personally, or I cannot trust.
These things tell me more and more that my notions of “high functioning” in regards to myself is pretty much a lie, I had to literally break my mind-body connection to survive, and one cannot thrive that way. I want to re-train that connection, but the costs are so prohibitive, and then the trust issues. But it must be strange to see such a desperate needy adult, but with the blinders off finally, shit..I am less functional as a member of society than I ever have been.
What good is my degree in Anthropology if I cannot properly write my ideas, do I just do the route of philosophy and let my words be heard but possibly misunderstood and applied poorly? I see a lot of interesting connections in genetic populations, but there is a fine line between useful correlation and folks willing to use it for things like eugenics or to demean another inherent way of thinking or culture. Each and every choice I make must be balanced between the need for it to be scientific in some form, but also moral. Too many possibilities, the chaos of my mind run rampant and as a result I find myself lost and confused, no real change from the way things were before save for the fact that I now know why.
I feel the perception of me as a competent adult is actually inhibitory to me, I really just want to cry most of the time, to desperately reach out for someone, anyone really, to help give me focus, because I cannot seem to prioritize, I cannot seem to focus on a task and just attain it, I contemplate it, like in my grey matter post, and then I move on. My mind is so undisciplined, and that is because I never had a real chance to learn to do it in a healthy way for me, and I still don’t even know. Right now I am fighting the depression that wants to dominate my thoughts again, the weather has turned cold and my body responds by feeling pain everywhere. It always has though, I would cry and freak out sometimes when snow got down my mittens, carrying a gallon of milk more than a short distance feels like my fingers are burning, I cannot even make a meatloaf anymore because working the ingredients by hand is excruciating. I am not even sure if I can unlearn these things, if I can use neuroplasticity to my advantage instead of turning it against me to continue to punish myself for things that were never in my control to begin with.
But I do know this, I am not alone in these sorts of struggles, and what I truly want to do seems simple but is so vast and so complex, I just wants folks to think about how they think, understand how other’s think and understand the world differently, and that if we can truly embrace the difference, address mental health, and revel in the sheer diversity found within any given human population, we could do such amazing things…just I can’t seem to find the means, the venue, the approach where I can help, but I don’t want to continue to see so much anger and suffering, i can’t shut it out or turn it off without injuring a vital part of me, I do not want to have to force myself to be cold and rational, when I am compassionate and rational. I wish I could talk to the Pope, the Dalai Lama, a host of other great minds, oh to sit down in a meeting room with the worlds spiritual leaders would be such a wonder. Me, the moral atheist (well, gonna say atheistic agnostic these days) could engage easily with them…in person, never any other way, because I can’t seem to hook anyone’s real interest save in person, but in person, my goodness folks, I do have charisma, it is not seen here on these pages often because my writing skills fail to convey it, and in this day in age, with vast global inter-connectivity, I feel at best I am a quaint artifact that would have thrived only in bygone eras.