So I am continuing to explore new ideas and directions all the time, often I get lost in my thinking, hijacked by tangential ideas and thoughts when something new catches my attention. My curiosity makes me wonder, makes me seek solutions to problems constantly, and right now I am in danger of slipping back into depression, allowing the old neural pathways of the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex to start trouble shooting myself instead of trouble shooting other issues. I am unsure how to proceed these days, I am confused and often at war with my amygalae, suffering in my fear, my feelings of impotence, my inability to communicate properly, I am most effective face to face, always, but at the same time, I am easily intimidated into silence because sometimes my thoughts and ideas seem like attacks on people’s long held ideals, and I abhor making people upset, I am controlled by my own daughter and cats for the love of all that is irrational, my sense of self identity continues to try and subsume itself to those around me, it is a reflex, like a dog who has been beaten too many times, so I am trying to break free, but I honestly do not see how, I see several unlikely scenarios that could benefit me, but fishing for a Patron or a new mentor is hard, I cannot sell myself worth a damn, because I honestly still struggle with finding value within me, I still feel the stares and comments, my father’s advice on the nail that sticks out gets hammered still holds sway within my mind, even though it was never possible for me to not stick out, there are many lessons I am still unlearning and still hold me back.
My fear of subsistence and survival is one of them, it is at odds with my desire to let go of such concerns and lose myself in the depths of thought, or my art, or writing, singing, and a host of other ways I learn. But out of this fear and confusion comes ideas, some transitory, hard to catch, other’s practical and seemingly not overwhelming, but I do not perceive it as worth my time, the ideas I love, I have no desire to devote all my intellect to polishing one of turd out of many though, I cannot choose one path or one route, I must meander and take the circuitous route, I must find my own path outside the traditional avenues because those avenues cannot handle me, I do not thrive and people around me have failed to engage me properly because I keep my masks on, I do not share my ideas because I lack faith in them often enough, but it is not the practical aspects of them, it is because I struggle with the results of a life lived being demeaned and misunderstood, the cowering canine mentality, it makes it hard to endeavor when even with great ideas I cannot even take compliments on them, I assume all too often I am being placated, the walking on eggshells scenario were folks pay lip service but do not actually process or contemplate my ideas…I know this to be wrong, I know there are folks who find value in my thoughts, ideas, and advice. But rigid habits and my neural wetworks still believe deep down that I am too broken, too damaged, too different for anyone to relate to me, even surrounded by friends and loved ones, my existence is a lonely one, so it is time to change that, it is time to give birth to a few ideas and put them forth for others to use freely. And I realize by posting that they are free to use that I will never see compensation for someone who makes a profit off it, but I cannot allow myself to be tied to notions of profit, because it has no meaning to me, I dislike paying for services, folks view that as a contract, I view it as an exchange of goods that has no real investment in me as a person. I loathe that if I want to take Tai Chi or Yoga I would have to pay outrageous sums to get a tutor in my home, I fear going to large groups because I know I will get frustrated, anxious, or even panic. I cannot trust a person I pay money to look out for my interests as a person in need of help and guidance, I cannot trust that cash is able to buy that which is what I need more than ever, simple human investment in me, I refuse to be a transaction, like I refuse to answer phone calls from machines.
So here are some of my recent ideas in no particular order, most of these are new, I do not retain my ideas long.
Cherry Pit heating pad/stuffies: I see a lot of weighted items out there for autistic folks to use to soothe and calm, I have been using a cherry pit heating pad because the added warmth helps. So simple enough, stitch together some cherry pit heating pads in friendly and engaging forms, long arms to wrap around them, able to be heated or even chilled if desired, utilitarian but also comforting, cute even, and soothing.
Autism Art Awareness Auction: Briefly hinted at this in another post, I think a large scale organized event to sell art for autism awareness and education would be a fantastic idea, various autism spectrum artists could devote works to be auctioned off, with some proceeds (along with increased name recognition) going to the artists and then a large chunk of that going towards Autism awareness, or even better…just awareness of difference in general.
Taunting Pro and Anti-gun activists: Say What? Why would one want to taunt both these groups? Because they are fighting over a symptom and not a cause. If people could start a letter campaign to groups on both sides to try and convince them of the underlying benefits in working together to tackle mental illness. If we make an effort to help folks find value in themselves and in this life, if we can see clearly how demeaning difference leads to mental illness, how mental illness can lead to violence, then the greatest part of gun ownership can be tackled.
Demeaning Difference Ad campaign: Using gender, biological sex, race, ethnicity, autism, and whatever else to show in simple ads how making anyone feel they are less because of something they inherently have no control over is damaging. And how this damage and trauma spreads, feeds into mental illness, which increases uncertainty in human behavior, further increasing fear and demeaning and enclaving behaviors.
Attacking modern group think in pedagogy: So, I have a master’s in secondary education, spent a year in a 6th grade class room, so I see teaching to the difference as an imperative, I watched as standardized organizational practices were implemented, the argument is that it benefits the children who do not have organizational skills, sometimes this is true. But I also watched as it was applied to all, kids who were naturally organized in their own way, struggled with an imposed system that ran contrary to how they think, in the name of standardization and expedience though, we are too willing to rely on a one size fits all, and this is never the case. Our public schools in theory prepare folks not just for having a job like many think it’s primary focus is, but the origins of this system are related to our democratic values and the notions that a well rounded person makes a healthy and active citizens. But, how you get to that goal is different, and when you force people to learn in ways contrary to how they think, when they are demeaned for their failure, when they do not thrive not only do you introduce mental illness, you feed into the school to prison pipeline for those who cannot thrive. One size fits all cannot and will not work, we must teach to the difference. But this becomes expensive, the ways our education system is funded can often hinder this, so we end up relying on things like charter schools, which though great for different learners, is problematic with resource allocation as well. So we need to think about other methods, I have often wanted to start a school for children with cyrcadian disorders for example, outside the enforced daytime routine that some folks have problems with, and by having problems they fail to learn readily, fail to thrive.
Autistic Children books: Patterned people, abstract, fragmented but meaningful thoughts, books written that go beyond the accepted and standardized prose and instead inform different people in different ways. Sadly, I cannot effectively replicate the same thing frame to frame for continuity purposes, be more like Pablo Picasso and Dr. Suess had an alien love child. But I wonder what the response would be, to write a book for children targeted at the pattern thinking mindset, one that allows kids to be proud of that difference, instead of being taught to avoid thinking in a way that is natural to them.
I have tons more ideas, some decent, some horrible, I outlined only the vagaries because they are just nascent little ideas, not fleshed out plans of action. It feels alright to get out a few here, even though it seems mostly duds, honestly I have so many more actually solid ideas, but they seem to not be coming at the moment, writer’s block of a sort because I am highly agitated today, seriously spent a sizable chunk of the day contemplating yet again how to run away and disappear, something I cannot do to my daughter, but a large part of me truly wants to do…I want to escape into a fortress of solitude, to sever my ties with the outside world for a bit, because I need time to rebuild myself and heal. But the funny thing is, I see the solution in spiritual and pseudoscience practices, but I see an underlying science based benefit to these things, but the very thought of someone thinking I had embraced the spiritual aspects of these things inhibits me. I am well aware of the teachings of Buddha, Lao Tzu, Christ, or great philosophers, I see the patterns of moral action repeated over again as well as unification of the mind and body which in my case is fractured. But I do not need some un-provable guiding spirit or any such nonsense to my mind(and I am NOT demeaning folks who believe firmly in these things, I just can’t, I am not wired that way, be easier if I could I think often), but I need investment in me, and I do not see that forthcoming, so suffer I will until I can feel free to be who I am without having to define myself in contrast to everyone else.