A fool’s errand

I have come to understand that my desperate acts of attempting to connect with people now that I have figured out the underlying neuropathy that defines my limited world is probably more harmful than good.  The few intellects I wish to connect with I cannot, I cannot pitch, sell myself, or make myself stand out in any meaningful way. Though putting my thoughts down here seemed like a good way to expand my working memory and force me to double check, triple check, or more my work.  I fear my half formed thoughts and the lack of context for some of them is going to do more harm, instead of de-obfuscating the underlying issues, I see a world of deaf ears, turned dumb by privilege and a society that celebrates the predator mindset with it’s lack of empathy, the dog eat dog, survival of the fittest when folks do not even understand what makes them “fit” in the first place, it is sheer lunacy, and I do not have a strong enough sense of self identity, even being more in tune with it than ever to continue this fight, so I shall leave my thoughts here, maybe I will return to them someday, but at the moment, my utility to humanity is exactly as predicted when I was young, I am deficient and my contributions are limited, most folks aren’t and to demean them is morally unacceptable, but I am not a functional member of this society, and no lamenting, commenting, or anything else is likely to change that, I am not the person equipped to tackle the big picture, but that is all my mind will settle for, I will not be an artist, a school teacher, or anything else, I cannot handle the stimuli of trying to navigate a world designed for those who pull in amazingly little data from their environment, this allows them to function in blissful ignorance.  If I was in “The Matrix”, I too would take the pill to return to the fold, to wipe clean my understanding, because all systems break down, my body is well on it’s way, and the speed at which it happens is irrelevant, just a blip in geologic time, I may understand the hows and whys of how this mess of grey matter came to be in this time and this place, but that knowledge does me no favors, I cannot effectively communicate with those closest to me, I live on another plane of existence in comparison to mass of mindless programmed cultural automatons, and I am sick, tired, and exhausted trying to talk to pre-programmed machines who are seemingly incapable of the slightest amount of self reflection, because the dominant paradigm doesn’t have to learn to navigate the world like those who are not privileged, they continue to build up their sense of identity based upon their financial and quantitative assets. So, I do us all a favor, I take my difference and I remove it from the public scene and retreat to my corner to nurse old wounds and let some newer ones fester, because I am not a rock, but I see no other options than to let the mass of neurotypical humanity carry on it’s way, it does not need me, collaboration has become more important than difference and unique perspectives, so I remove myself from it, there are a few folks in my immediate life that will benefit from going back to sublimating my will to those around me, and I shall embrace the slow and steady decay as I do what I can with what little energy reserves and will I have left, to ensure my daughter does not face the same fate as me, that her self identity will be stronger I hope while she is young, and maybe she can do the things I never could because I am a ruin of a person as a result of the ignorance, intolerance, and the fact that some folks are not yet evolved enough to understand that the shiny little objects and advantages they enjoy today are because different people thought outside the box and that countless humans have died and suffered for their privilege, and if they recognized the scope and nature of the tragedy that has unfolded before our eyes, they could not come to terms with it, because they must seek forgiveness outside of themselves instead of finding it within, yet so many people’s beloved Christ said the same thing, the kingdom of heaven is within you, guess we know why the rich cannot enter it then, because those motivated solely by the value of items in an objective world do not need to turn inward to find the answers, so many pretty shinies all around them instead, does not matter that people, often children suffered, so you can enjoy your shiny, or convenience, and that is decadence, not being gay, or sex positive, or anything else that demonstrates compassion and understanding. The hijacking of the enculturation process through fear or marketing is going to be our doom, our inability to tolerate difference with result yet again in large swaths of human genetic diversity and difference being wiped off the face of the planet, because people are too afraid to think deeply when they can simply sit back and enjoy their privilege, it disgusts me, and you may claim I am being self righteous, but I am not a saint either, but the difference is, I try to be moral, I try every day of my existence to communicate, I broke myself trying to be “good” when I was never, ever “evil”, Aspergians who have trouble reading faces and cues, when not too severely damaged, struggle as well, the burden of this cannot be left on the shoulders of those disadvantaged to begin with, what morality is in that? But humanity writ large seems to clueless to take a self inventory and hang their head in shame when it is so obvious everyday that we keep hurting each other, and it starts young, we indoctrinate, mold, and damage our youth and somehow expect them to fix our mistakes, that is a recipe for extinction, it is a species imperative that we embrace, nurture, and understand all the difference that can be produced amongst of if we wish to someday escape this rock and explore beyond our home, but hell, folks can’t even explore their own minds properly, so yeah not holding out much hope for that.


2 thoughts on “A fool’s errand

  1. jared says:

    I wish I had more to say here. I will miss your thoughts being published here to read. Even if often they are over my head they make me think on things I wouldn’t otherwise think on. I find huge value in that.


    • I will probably post more, I get dejected and rundown on these things easy, I still slip back into thinking that no one is going to get, accept, or understand what it is I am really trying to get at. It is not rational, but a product of just having lost hope that folks will hear or even care about these things, so I can slip pretty easily into self defeatism as I become overwhelmed, or can’t focus enough, or whatever other reasons make me feel incapable of getting my thoughts out, just gotta re-evaluate again how I approach things, keep running tests on different communications strategies and though they often work as predicted, that is not always a good thing for me, I need the unpredictable responses to grow, just applying what I know and getting a predictable and depressing result is not much of a moral booster.


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