Got my direction I think

So, I have been thinking really hard to figure out how best to progress, and honestly, that is going to start with a concrete starting goal.  Though a great deal of me would like to withdraw for a bit to work more on myself, object reality as it currently stands is not going to be so cooperative, so I will work on me while I work on something more worthwhile.  So, I was thinking more about my focus on myself as a case study, my autobiography about difference and how people unknowingly demean and devalue what is difference.  I am pretty sure I can weave the undercurrent of my faulty context theory, use false dichotomies as I currently see them in my examples of my understanding of how you have me here and now, sharing thoughts that a literally a few short months ago I would barely share hints of with those closest to me, I had effectively shut down that much.  I think, I can do that, the bibliography is less rigidly academic, it will allow me to incorporate a host of other sources folks might find strange, but to say people are not inspired by their choices in music, drama, etc is asanine, of course the things we take joy in are tied to how we think, how could it be any other way, the key is to allow for the healthy formation of self-identity in all children, then they will have growth, they will expand and grow.  I do not believe in purist notions of genetic pre-destination, I think attempting to manipulate the human genome in the form of turning on all the possible intellectual triggers could prove to be a detriment to survival, the difference and the junk in our DNA, can have purpose, we may never remotely need to rely on one of those old pieces of code, up until the moment we do.  And I do not think we can realistically expect in any near future the ability to tweak our genetic junk on the fly in real time to adapt, we will use our tools and technology for that.  As we explore the human genome, we need to be careful, ethically and morally as to where we draw a line a consider difference to be existentially defective.  Which is why I go back to subsistence and socializing, if with nurture a human can do these things, especially in a society that puts in the effort to make room for difference and for people to seek their happiness through their endeavors, then there is not defect to me, just extreme difference, and extreme difference can be hard on people, especially with a child who struggles to communicate, many on the autism spectrum have difficulty with speech and socialization in the form of developmental delays, in the case of someone like me, you get pretty much nothing but verbal and kinetic responses, and when I am young, before I can get metaphor, sarcasm, etc.  I first have to understand those very concepts, I cannot visualize and metaphor is often thought translated into an easy to visualized sort of scenario, since I lack the ability to do that and do not yet have enough knowledge and correlations to compare and contrast that statement, you end up with a literal interpretation of it…big oops, not forever though, and as soon as you introduce the very notion that people think differently and that is okay, it is not even defect, just difference, you can become ok with that, understand the difference you see that causes such intense confusion.  I am letting my mind wander here, I think that is better facilitated in the last vestiges of autumn sun before it gets chilly tonight.  I have a lot of hobbies still, my theories and communication equation, my playing with Myers-Briggs and Socionics, but those can stay hobbies and play a bit longer, because that very academic argument and approach is currently less important than getting out something that helps de-obfuscate in someways what we see as fault instead of difference, and how the home, school, or society in general can be harmful even when the intent is not to harm, the thought of the damage done to minds like mine, that yes, are fragile compared to others, was often done with the best of intentions, and that for some might be a hard pill to swallow, may result in simple attacks on my character, etc.  But the key is, self forgiveness, we cannot fix something when we cannot understand how it got broken, and in many ways, it is places like school.  Man, I did love me some in-school suspension, seriously I thought that was the best days to go to school ever, because I got to focus on my tasks in a low social distraction environment, and when I got my work done, I would try to get ahead a bit, and when I was ahead a bit I would read usually half or more of a 300 page book, that is a hell of a good day of learning in my mind, the classroom, the constant pressure to perform with the group, I got by on native intellect, but I was not challenged on that level, the challenges were always social, stuck in the here and now, unable to articulate my pain and confusion, deer in the headlights, until I lost my temper, the frustration boiling out in not just physical acts, but the most vile of personal attacks, see, I still argue I had no issues reading those facial expressions and emotional states, but I did not trust those instincts until I got angry, and when I used my verbal skills in anger, do not confuse what I said with what my intent is, my intent is to inflict maximum harm in minimum time to get the perceived tormentor to go away, it is the reaction of a wounded animal through the verbal skills of a damaged human consciousness, and I would say the most horrible things, folks  might think I was a hate filled misogynistic racist at those points, but it was worse, I am none of those things, but in my pain I know those things cause pain, so I would weaponize mass or personal trauma tailored specifically to my target, and no person should ever have had to be on the receiving end of that, my other mother, my mother’s wife, is Cuban, would be referred to as Afro-Caribbean, and we had some nasty fights in my late teen years, and I have said the most horrible stuff, but the reason she is one of my mother’s is because no matter what, no matter how dark, cruel, and cutting my words were, she knew on some level, that was not really me, and her ability to forgive me, when blood and genetics were not on the line, when these factors matter not a lick to her, that makes her my parent as rightly as anyone else, and I would not be here today without her as well, or my mother, father, grandparents, aunts, etc.  Even though I sometimes express my anger and frustration their way, it was not their fault anymore than it was my fault, we just failed to understand difference, and learn to teach to that difference.  Ok, stopping here, my autumn sun is almost gone, gonna edit this later…maybe, but I will probably forget until I read a glaring error in it tomorrow or a week from now.


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