Just getting a few doubts out here

Ok, feeling flip floppy on a few things these days, and that means something is either causing me to doubt my own logic, new data was picked up somewhere and is causing a re-interpretation of the logic, or I am just having issues with nagging self doubt, which is not out of the question.  So, I think I am overvaluing and undervaluing a few things in regards to my self understanding of autism, but there are a few gaps in my understanding of my own development that I need to hash out, basically it is trying to test more intensely what I consider innate ability, and what is learned ability…so I am hoping to hammer that out more, I recall always having great empathy and an ability to read faces and emotions, but I was unable to approach, to bridge that social gap, I still favor the idea that I was reacting to a subconsciously learned reaction to words and body language not matching up that inhibited me, but it was probably more complex than that, the environment around me, the complex PTSD, the constant fear that required a religious person to anoint my room in oil (twice), it is hard to pull out the proper order of things out of such a mess, but thankfully, the gems of my memory are not the dark ones, those are everywhere, to the point that it becomes almost mundane, as I work through more of the damage, it becomes easier, but as the damage unfolds, the hyper-sensory functions that continue to try and normalize are just overwhelming, and as a result I keep flailing around sending messages, trying to contact folks, it is just an exercise of a desperate intellect because I know I need to educated sounding boards, but I also need the structure, need focus, seems like a horrible thing to say as an adult closer to 40 than he likes to admit, but damn it, I am just not able to do this stuff, and this is not without extreme effort, I broke myself at a young age trying to do just that amongst other things.  So these doubts are nagging at me, I need more data, and I am searching earnestly, and some stuff tugs at the edges of my understanding, while other stuff seems to be showing some cracks and flaws, and this is fine, this is natural, this me working through my thoughts, it is not to be published as is, it is not remotely ready for any such thing, it is just the progress of my thoughts, and this time, my doubts.  I think maybe I will do some biographical writing here soon, give some real context to who I am behind the screen, a bit of human tragedy at the very least, and if we can learn from tragedy and attempt earnestly not to repeat it, then I am fine, I mean really, this was a crap road at times to be forced down, but if anything can come of it, any insight, any revelations, I give them freely still, I cannot value anything more highly than my thoughts, for they are that which I value above all, and yet I feel no desire to keep them solely mine, the stress of worrying about subsisting off my thoughts is not going away anytime soon, but I would rather someone stumble upon this and find value, insight, or just a new idea to test.  Maybe someone will see echos of themselves in my words if they can stomach reading this, and that holds more value to me than any of the crap marketing has tried to tell me would make me happy, or make me wealthy, bah.  Human communication, human thought, human joy, human survival, human compassion and compersion, these things have meaning to me, as they are by my own inherent epistemology, the areas in which I am fascinated, curious above all, and find my joy.


2 thoughts on “Just getting a few doubts out here

  1. Jared Mills says:

    It is sometimes scary how well you put my own thoughts into words is ways I could never could. I identify greatly with much of what you write. It is very cathartic to hear you voice what I cannot.


  2. Glad it works for your Jared! It is literally, all I have to work with, one verbal stream of consciousness, but I am refining it, already seeing errors that crept into my earlier thoughts, well not errors, over generalizations, makes sense I built my initial understanding from self, and as I seek more information to test the veracity of my thoughts, the bias becomes apparent and I modify my thinking. For example, I think I have logical and empirical right as far as baseline thought, but I may have been hasty in connecting autistic patterns to logic strictly, I overvalued my own way of thinking and forgot how the hyper-sensory impacts others. Now, I am currently thinking that logical vs empirical is still a very important part of understanding how the autistic mind works, let alone my bigger theory of faulty context, false dichotomies, and the ability of society to make greater room for difference. But also Jared, some part of me wishes I could put the genie back in the bottle, I am happier now, honestly happier, but so overwhelmed, it is weird to think that given an option I may have contemplated choosing less happiness in exchange for more functionality, but that is the reality of how we must subsist today, no monastery for the atheist mind, no escaping the requirements of being indentured to capitalist labor systems and debt as of yet for me, my endeavors do not produce results the way the empirical structured economy works…damn it…Hard number economists = empirical thinking/favors objective approaches, Economic sociology = logical thinking, understanding of personal and subjective motivations. I am never getting all this crap out of my head, just not enough hours in the day, really gotta focus this stuff down more.


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