Ok, feeling flip floppy on a few things these days, and that means something is either causing me to doubt my own logic, new data was picked up somewhere and is causing a re-interpretation of the logic, or I am just having issues with nagging self doubt, which is not out of the question. So, I think I am overvaluing and undervaluing a few things in regards to my self understanding of autism, but there are a few gaps in my understanding of my own development that I need to hash out, basically it is trying to test more intensely what I consider innate ability, and what is learned ability…so I am hoping to hammer that out more, I recall always having great empathy and an ability to read faces and emotions, but I was unable to approach, to bridge that social gap, I still favor the idea that I was reacting to a subconsciously learned reaction to words and body language not matching up that inhibited me, but it was probably more complex than that, the environment around me, the complex PTSD, the constant fear that required a religious person to anoint my room in oil (twice), it is hard to pull out the proper order of things out of such a mess, but thankfully, the gems of my memory are not the dark ones, those are everywhere, to the point that it becomes almost mundane, as I work through more of the damage, it becomes easier, but as the damage unfolds, the hyper-sensory functions that continue to try and normalize are just overwhelming, and as a result I keep flailing around sending messages, trying to contact folks, it is just an exercise of a desperate intellect because I know I need to educated sounding boards, but I also need the structure, need focus, seems like a horrible thing to say as an adult closer to 40 than he likes to admit, but damn it, I am just not able to do this stuff, and this is not without extreme effort, I broke myself at a young age trying to do just that amongst other things. So these doubts are nagging at me, I need more data, and I am searching earnestly, and some stuff tugs at the edges of my understanding, while other stuff seems to be showing some cracks and flaws, and this is fine, this is natural, this me working through my thoughts, it is not to be published as is, it is not remotely ready for any such thing, it is just the progress of my thoughts, and this time, my doubts. I think maybe I will do some biographical writing here soon, give some real context to who I am behind the screen, a bit of human tragedy at the very least, and if we can learn from tragedy and attempt earnestly not to repeat it, then I am fine, I mean really, this was a crap road at times to be forced down, but if anything can come of it, any insight, any revelations, I give them freely still, I cannot value anything more highly than my thoughts, for they are that which I value above all, and yet I feel no desire to keep them solely mine, the stress of worrying about subsisting off my thoughts is not going away anytime soon, but I would rather someone stumble upon this and find value, insight, or just a new idea to test. Maybe someone will see echos of themselves in my words if they can stomach reading this, and that holds more value to me than any of the crap marketing has tried to tell me would make me happy, or make me wealthy, bah. Human communication, human thought, human joy, human survival, human compassion and compersion, these things have meaning to me, as they are by my own inherent epistemology, the areas in which I am fascinated, curious above all, and find my joy.