The Future of this mess…and me.

Ok, so I do realize, this is not in anyway a decent “blog” of any sort, I often set little challenges and structure for myself when I do not even realize I have done it. So what is this mess? This mess is my thoughts made public, it forces me to re-visit them over and over again and test the veracity of them, if I put something forth half formed, it must be labeled as half formed, if I am playing with a novel idea or experiment, that too must be put into proper context.  So, as far as feedback from folks in this way, I am thinking that is less important for this mess, this is not for public or even rigorous academic consumption, this is my lecture podium, but I think often in the form of lectures, I am a living breathing Socratic thinker, and thus putting my words out are important to me (he disdained writing, I lament the loss of context, but accept it), as they are given more complexity and life when I must process them constantly.  I do not stop working, I spend almost all my time actively learning, utilizing, applying, wondering, and yes playing, for I learn when I play, especially with my wonderful, brilliant, assertive, but I am unsure if she is prospecting or judging, I have not watched her enough indirectly in other social activities because of the limitations of hyper-vigilance and hyper-sensory playing right hell with me still, it is getting better, but I need to spend more time focused right now, on myself, and then I will utilize this forum as my lecture podium, at the very least to my self, but this is me doing my work “during the day” so people can honestly see what I am working towards.  I still worry about income, but I think I have a few good ideas in the pipeline, and such as it is, my wife and I are planning to anticipate a drop in my disability benefits in the not so distant future, and I agree, I need to be more productive now, and if that productivity was impaired through my inherent difference that was demeaned, I see examples all around of folks who have managed something, do I suck up and deal with the hoops and hurdles and pursue a PhD that I really think would just be training me further to put my thoughts out for academic peer review, my thoughts, my research skills, etc are a perfectly fine set, could chip some rust off still, but I do not see this as even being inhibitory, that just seems like fun to me.  But seriously, I live in fear of bibliographies still, accidental plagiarism could almost haunt my dreams, because I cherry pick data in an intelligent, at least triangulated manner, because I seek large patterns of human thought, repeated over and over, and then I try to ground that in our understanding of object reality and science, but I also must consider the fervent belief that comes easily and naturally to folks, as a result of this, I remain a jack-of-all trades, my curiosity impels me forward with such drive and earnestness, it feels almost a crime that it was so badly received as fault and problematic, instead of just being difference.  Anyways, I will continue to use this as basically my open diary for the time being, folks are always free to comment and even troll, I was hopeful the marketing comment I got by “300 lb…” whatever it was, would feel like retorting back, but I fairly sure they just put in their little plug and ran, but see…I do not have that context, so I could be mistaken, it could be someone who usually plugs a product and actually found my writing interesting, I find it unlikely, but I would be happy to be wrong.  Anyhow, keeping these shorter if I can, got a few other hundred thoughts to explore today like Hyper-Sensory nose balm for when dealing with say crowds of people in the sun, trust me, you won’t find me in a crowd in temperatures over 75 or so if I can possibly help it, my nose alone steers me away from a lot of places, then again I like some smells folk hate, normally complicated organic scents, such as swamp muck and salt marshes, a lot of information in those scents.  Also considering some fun “verbal autistic” based skit humor ideas that would take behaviors normally seen as odd, different, or threatening by placing them in fun situations, maybe I should try and tweet Rob Schneider about helping autistic minds bridge the understanding gap between humor, I tell you what I could come up with a lovely skit right now based on how my mind works and what that would look like if I was in the hot seat behind a presidential podium, my approach to thinking in that situation, it could in fact be pretty darn funny, that is not demeaning myself at all, I know I tackle things in ways a lot of folks done, it would be funny, but it would also re-humanize behaviors we have come to often see as threatening. I dunno, I do not have the skill set to navigate the world of sketch comedy at the moment, have a few stand up comic friends in NYC, college buddies and such, but that is different, and I would find stand up comedy for me to not work well always, mostly because my tendency for tangents alone, then my desire for feedback, well the lecturer makes a poor stand up comedian, but using the comedian in face to face socializing is very normal for me, I love humor, I love to laugh man, love it.  I enjoy scene violations too, which is doing unexpected things in public, but my humor for those is subtle, I used to play “scare the mundanes” in my goth phase, but honestly I dislike making people uncomfortable, I utilize it with close friends to mess with them, they get more…sorta, but in public now, I would use it only as an important tool for getting at a deeper understanding of humanity writ large, so ethically as possible, not quite the pure informed consent approach either, but not for just sheer curiosity, and I would still draw the line at potentially causing angst, trauma, or harm, so pretty limited, now I will just think about it, apply my understanding of folks, and pretty much just run a set of scenarios in my head, works well enough now.  Anyhow, skit comedy with some improv aspects, probably be pretty bad ass in my mind, no idea how to do that…we can tell at the moment, I won’t be writing a whole lot of easy usable stuff for a bit haha.  Tis interesting times for me, gonna try and enjoy moving forward, but I sure as hell have to make sure I do it at a healthy pace, and not stretch myself thin, alienate folks with horrendous long emails, etc.  I am getting a handle on something slowly, but on my terms, society and ingrained misunderstandings do not get to break me or determine my healthy self approach to learning and navigating a world that does not get me, but I am sure as heck getting tired of hiding natural body movements and behaviors outside my front door because folks misunderstand what the hell they are seeing.  Such as it is, I shall move doggedly forward to who the hell knows what, but I know I can generate multiple marketable ideas in a day for example, I hate marketing, this is a conundrum for me.


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