Feeling overwhelmed…(freethinking, unedited with intent)

So, feeling overwhelmed, a lot of crap going on, world events, my own theory, my communications equation thingy, my breaking down and re-grounding Myer’s-Brigg’s qualitative research with an understanding of how it fits into current empirical data and where it informs us we need to look for me data. So, I am just going to vomit some stuff onto the page, why? I could just process this stuff some other way, but if I want people to get my context, then a few brave souls who are curious about just how my mind works, will enjoy reading this, and then they may at some point translate my raw thoughts into something with a modicum of use at least for themselves or someone else, my transparency does not come fully naturally anymore like it should have, I hiccup sometimes, hold things back, rationalize protecting other people secrets so they can take accountability for things on their own terms, and honestly, you have to forgive yourself for the shit you had not control of, the badge judgements you made because you did not understand how your own thought process likes to learn, live and find joy.  There is no amount of quantifiable reparations that can be given to everyone for everything done to each other, this is the essence and importance of forgiveness, but you cannot forgive others if you are still beating yourself up inside, if your insecurities, unspoken thoughts and unspoken feelings find no outlet, this is mental illness, and it may stay just a few small things, but those smalls things that you keep rattling about, may be an important aspect of what defines you, your baseline, your soul, your biological hardwiring, whatever you want to call it.  People must take the time to just understand, consciously how the are wired to think, if we get that down, if we get humanity’s context down writ large, we then have the tools to work together to undo the damage we have done to ourselves, all of which is none of our faults, not a living person alive can take total accountability for every thought and decision they have made, because the bullshit that came before has been cumulative, and sometimes we take a step forwards, and sometimes we take a step back in one or another different areas, but the reason we do not have harmony, is that we have yet to understand how each and every one of us born, given a chance to learn they way are mind is wired too, given a chance to play, learn, and find our joy, then the work that needs to get done gets done, we value the farmer more than the artist because the farmer’s work is easily quantifiable, it has a very black and white outlook, even though many a farmer I have met, including my great uncle, were often introverted and logical, not all are, but more than a few, people do find their joy in their play and way they learn, and a mentally healthy social being will naturally want to make sure their endeavors help others.  The value of a great piece of art to a mind that needs some new perspective to work through things is priceless, as priceless as the farmer’s hard work to feed us all.  When people seek their joy in a healthy way, morality is the result.  And if joy is found through how one plays and inherently learns, then education becomes a moral imperative in a time like this, the expansion of our understanding of human context must make room for all inherent ways of thinking. The equation is simple, can they take care of fundamental needs and can they socialize, even if their context means it is a lot less than others, even the hermit finds value in the visitor bringing news and helping act as a sounding board for ideas, we are social creatures. So if we understand how we think and view the world, if we can articulate that with people who also get that, i.e. authentic people, but as qualitatively touchy feely as that notion feels to some, and I have certainly struggled with some terms due to the connotative but not the denotative definition, I wield them both well, usually, I have my moments, but I do dislike connotation without context, it bugs me as it is ambiguous, and ambiguity is bad communicating.

Got hijacked, random split up, decided to put on some music, see how it frames my thoughts as I go, might as well try and connect back to whatever I was babbling a few moments ago…So, education and authenticity are how we work to ensure mentally healthy people, and it is gonna be odd folks, right now we often view mental health as someone who has something wrong with them…dystopia…right here, again…no one’s fault…cumulative bullshit, cultural detritus, a failure to understand human and personal context. And all of this pretty much had to happen to reach this point, and people who come after will strive and fail and build and create and enjoy the words and thoughts and ideas that came before, this is progress, many failures are a natural part of it.  So right now, we medicate difference into thinking like the dominant society, because we believe that difference is illness, it is not illness, it is a maladaptive inherent operating system that is being damaged, mostly unwittingly, but sometimes from cumulative trauma from folks around them.  Once again, can a person take care of their fundamental needs, in whatever way that works for them, be it indigenous peoples, western capitalists, downs-syndrome, etc.  Sure, some people may need more nurturing, more attention than others, but tell me when investing honestly in someone or something  goes poorly, it is lying, deceptions, and masks that hijack that.  So right now, in the United States, we are selecting against some of the great thinkers, the great idea givers, the great teachers…right now.  A not sizeable chunk of our potentially great social thinkers are not making it to a meaningful and productive adulthood, we are medicated, or enraged, we retreat from reality when we can, some suffer from visual hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, and a current hypothesis I am bouncing around, not empirically supported remember, just an interesting thought, is that some somatoform illness could be a schizoid type related to tactile hallucinations and hypervigilance. What these things mean is that the functions in the mind that help distinguish object reality as we see it through our senses can be harmed, I am not sure if it causes permament damaged at some point or not, but it is a sign of mental illness, in-authenticity by what I would argue as cautious analytical mind (not sure if that is exclusive or propensity, but I do not feel emotional versus rational is a big factor at this time) causes the internalization of fault and scolding strongly as personal fault, self doubt, and when these things are kept inside and denied a sounding board with other social beings, they will get distorted, warped, twisted, for they will only be grounded in one person’s skewed way of thinking, and they may never manifest in a way that causes harm, maybe just catatonia, or suicide, or they could break bad and cause harm, or start to hallucinate, start to doubt their own bodies signals to the brain, or become rigid from hiding natural tendencies other view as odd or crazy. On that note right there, sorry folks, if someone catches me muttering and rubbing my head, I am not insane, I am using a comforting grounding behavior to keep myself in the here and now to address existential threats, pacing helps with that too, and I may be framing a modeled conversation in my head and may need to vocalize a bit to help analyze or practice something, not crazy.  The problem is, these natural behaviors can be seen in very mentally ill people as well, and folks could see a correlation there, these behaviors equal insanity, but that is a false correlation, it has obfuscated the truth.  People who think this way and use these sorts of grounding behaviors are the more naturally dis-associative folks, and as I like to say, they are very prone to being harmed in todays society, but it cannot all be their fault when they break. A damaged adult is a damaged child who never had a chance to really establish their own healthy identity, and that damage came from sources other than that child, not their fault, and yes we need accountability for our actions, in a healthy and moral society this would be easy, one of the things I loved about the USAF is that with my leadership I did not feel afraid when I fucked something up, that lack of fear motivated me, relaxed me, and though I would mostly say my work had an empirical quality of it, that is because I had a great series of shop chiefs who would listen to my ideas, let me know when I was re-inventing the wheel, and help focus me….it was a team, we worked as a team, we got past our differences in politics, religion, etc and found common ground in potty humor and sophomoric humor, but everyone farts folks, it is funny that people make such a big deal out of a natural biological function that, yes, at times is unpleasant, but don’t feel embarrassed for a bodily function you have little control over, if you can do the courteous thing and step out of the room, absolutely, but in a healthy society, we would naturally desire to not subject someone to this, ergo when it did happen, it was out of a persons control, at which point, it is object reality intruding on stuff and all you have is a chance to laugh that stuff off, better to get a chuckle of it if you have to deal with the sensory undesirable reality, good and healthy folks.  But when out humor targets and de-values difference, when it objectifies, even when it is just read out of context in a way that is harmful, it is not so funny anymore. But humor is one of our biggest tools, it allows us to keep current horrible realities through “inappropriate jokes”, to poke fun at difference we do not always get but not in a way that demeans, or satire which can demean, but is used as an important social tool, that grounds those in power with feedback from others.  You can read a satirical peace on yourself when you are mental healthy (but that does mean just because you can, you are…lot of possible faulty internalized BS elsewhere) you can get the context of the satirist, understand they have a different perspective, and try to take that into healthy consideration.  So humor, is one of the great tools we have right here, right now to help better communicate and understand, but we must ensure it remains grounded in proper context so as to not be easily misconstrued.  You still cannot prevent reflex reactions from folks honestly and earnestly struggling with their own demons right here and now, but that little bit of extra effort to provide context (after the joke even if the shock factor has value), so folks can process it as the original humorist intended.  Tongue in cheek for example, transmits horribly through written media without some good context, not so good in a tweet of 140 characters. Probably why I don’t tweet, maybe I should, I might be able to actually focus a damn thought or two down to something useful to the majority of folks, but hell I am still rebuilding myself, still getting used to learning in the right way for me and working earnestly to share my own unique worldview with folks, and it is unique, just because I can read many great philosophers or religious leaders and see great parity in their thoughts and understand many share a very similar inherent way of thinking to me, does not mean I am them, certainly does not mean I have a “christ complex” because I am an earnest, caring person, even with my very logical and rational mind, talk about growth there, I did manage, even when in my secret schizoid phase for around 30 years, to learn a great deal about different people and how they think, my rationality was able to grow towards feeling easily when I put this all in perspective, because I get it, not at the same levels as some folks, but that is not my operating system, not my bit of purpose in life.

I find myself struggling with not wanting to sound like a bleeding heart, which is funny in a way, since that is exactly what I am, a bleeding heart, a person who even in junior high had consciously realized that I try to carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, would have thought that bit of self knowledge would have been enough for me to see the lie, but I had no healthy educational tools to triangulate my logic to see what was faulty and what wasn’t, but I can tell you this, little things like that in the face of a life that was pure hell a good chunk of the time, that was amazing, my bit of innate morality holding on in a sea of anger, fear, and rage.  The beginning of my 8th grade year I went to a small Christian academy, a really nice one, even though I was not a believer then; that came later and was short lived, but damn I tried my hardest to find the joy I thought I saw my father finding after the divorce, I tried so hard, no wonder I snapped, my temper getting worse especially when I felt I was replaced, I literally tried to force belief into myself in a very unnatural way, even though I had known about my anger against it for a long time as well. self sacrificing, by nature folks…I value harmony that much, it seems so crazy.  Any who…I go booted out of that academy, with pretty good reason, and was home schooled for a bit, which was fantastic for a bit, but I just could not stomach the history I knew was skewed, to this day I know way more about Tetzel and indulgences than I really needed too, but I did like reading about Martin Luther, another mind who had great thoughts, even if the context is off, the earnest great thoughts of trying to increase understanding is a wonderful thing.  So that created an interlude and I went back to school and did ok, because at that point my best friend’s life was in turmoil and that far overshadowed my return to public school in the drama that is Junior high.  But that summer I had another interlude, the violence that no longer came out at school, came out more at home and that had far reaching results and implications, for in the earnest attempt to seek treatment, I finally ended up good and broke, what was teetering on the edge of a schizoid personality disorder became a reality, in my case it took the form of the secret schizoid with a great deal of somatoform symptoms, this was further confused by a very real family neurological condition, occam’s razor when applied, easily missed the internalized bullshit, I was so good at showing fake emotion on my face, that it is honestly frightening to me, far more frightening than some folks calling me a fraud or a host of other things, thankfully, I held onto compassion for whatever reason, the faults and miscommunications were my own, it was my failure to communicate, my failure to remember to do something, my fault for pretty much everything in my sphere of influence, including knowingly taking blame for shit I did not do, in my damaged way, my desire for harmony became mental self-flagellation, and folks, that is tragic, no offense, the lack of caring, weeping, nurturing bleeding heart men who are fine with who they are, are such a rarity in this world to begin with, let alone to allow society to continue to select against them. And finally, for all the men out their who need to feel validated about their own injustices, yes, Autism in particular effects men more, but this is not necessarily related to sex, the issue is gender.  See, the logical bleeding heart thing these days, can still be ok for a lot of girls, it may be demeaned or diminished, but for the most part it is not forced out of them to conform to some skewed notion of gender as being indicative of ones sex and sexuality.  All major different ways of thinking can be found in males and females, there are preferences due to sexual dimorphism as regional genetic populations, etc, but they are not exclusive to either.  And yes, sexual dimorphism is a reality, but when you are in-authentic, especially hyper vigilant, we over-inflate probability, start interpreting our data through a faulty context, label difference as something we must force out of people, dystopia folks. So gender, is not a spectrum at all, it is pretty much bullshit based on the fact that just because one sex may favor certain operating systems more, does not mean that they all should act and behave and think like the majority, that is bullshit, it de-values difference, it interferes with a healthy natural way of thinking for everyone that allows our difference to fuel progress. My logic is great for theories, can spin off a tremendous amount of hypothesis, the empirical thinker is a great discoverer and can get to fine details with solid data, that data then makes it way back to a great logical mind who throws it about some more, damn we work together so well, we just keep thinking that we have to value one inherent way of thinking over another, especially just because some are more common. Of course some are more common, that makes sense, not just based on societies selecting against certain inherent ways of thinking often due to internalized bullshit gender norms about what a “man” or “woman” is supposed to think and behave like, other than some different hormone concentrations, that will impact these things, the base operating systems of the human race show up in both sexes. And so these things can certainly influence sexuality as we know it, especially issues with gender dysphoria, but homosexuality for example, is not a choice, and it makes sense, demographic correlations with urban populations certainly make it relatively easy to argue for it as an inherent population control mechanism, not unheard of in the natural world, and there are a lot of different population controls.  I often chuckle at the interpretation of “go forth and multiply” from the context of today, we are still multiplying, but the go forth part, is pretty damn tricky, unless we want our home to be a cesspool. So my logical humor tells me that I should simply write the Pope, since we can’t seem to compromise on birth control much, how about we join teams and promote space exploration…oh yeah, we don’t want to leave this rock without getting our context right, a mentally unhealthy human race is not something I would like to set loose on the multiverse, and since in-authenticity damages how we hear and understand, sure as hell hope we do not encounter another intelligence before we do, or shit could go bad.  Same as I have said about artificial intelligence, right now, we are most likely going to create something mentally unhealthy itself or something that sees the mental illness run rampant amongst humans and decide to do something about it, for “good” or “ill”, it could certainly damage ones ability to find authentic joy, learn, play, work, and just be glad your alive.

Faulty context folks, we have a faulty notion of what difference really is, we fail to understand just how different people think, we try earnestly to understand and create qualitative ideas such as introvert and extrovert, even ground it with some data on how folks are getting exhausted, well I may suck at manipulating numbers and doing math that way, but I can qualitatively reduce like a bastard, and for a bit I thought it was a social construct, or a fusion of the different personality types, etc.  Because it is not a personality type, it is a function of metabolism and thought, it is simply enough the rate at which our mind processes data compared to how much data we are taking in.  So a lot of folks ask about ambiversion for example, well extroversion and introversion are in a sense math,  Amount of Input + Ability to process information = a positive or negative sum, introversion or extroversion. Thus, the amount of data you are taking in, how you are taking data in , the comfort level of the person taking in data, as heightened vigilance will impact this, and any dis-associative or grounding aids you may have (liquid courage anyone? joke), and yeah you may be burning more energy trying to take in and process everything, or you may be not having to use much metabolic juice and the flush of chemicals and such help keep you energized for long periods of time.  Me, I am an extreme introvert now, hypervigilance which I am working on, really really impedes my ability to function in large crowds, it is exhausting, overwhelming, just too much data, the vibrations in my feet give me vertigo, oversensory stimulation, somatoform illness, a cane to ambulate, honest mistakes all around, not a fraud, and not currently crazy, but still damaged, still growing, working, repairing, and I would not have it any other way at this point.  So there, to go with my breakdown of Logical (intuitive) versus Empirical (observant) thinking as being the mechanism by which we build our schema, our understanding of our data, our preferred information processing baseline, we also have introversion and extroversion as a function of data input and analysis that does require a metabolic connection, our brain uses a good chunk of energy and a brain chewing over a lot of data, especially us hyper sensory types, yeah that can be exhausting, and just eating won’t cover it well, sure eating well and making sure we have healthy energy is an important part of getting out and enjoying life, but when your data and processing power almost always runs at a deficit when you are in a moving, changing environment…yeah, you can’t keep up well, you need to take a break and process stuff, and that may not be even consciously, but certain activities are less intensive, the data is more manageable, such as reading a book, or listening to a podcast and thinking about it, introverts do seem to find affinity in these things for example, or art, or a host of other things, not exclusive to them by any means.  So I am going to wrap this up, it is closing in on 4000 words of mostly mindless wandering around in branching out logical tangents, and it was certainly a good exercise for me to frame my thoughts, who the heck knows if anyone else will find value in this, too much redundancy at times but such as I am haha, I keep revisiting my own ideas and trying new context, I have to triangulate to trust the veracity of my thoughts, and that means I will gladly change my mind about something when the data or correlations or object reality dictate otherwise, take care and be well, anyone subject to this for any length of time at all, sorry.

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