So, where to now?

Decided to not post this in Flawed posts yet, one can see some of my ignorance in this as I had yet to really expand out beyond me as an example, but it is not terrible, just realize on a few points I am…wrong in this one.

I think it might be time for some solid context on who I am, some folks will find these explanations as easy reason to dismiss what I am saying, I can’t prevent that, yeah I am have some serious scars from some pretty nasty experiences, experiences that are all too common to individuals who fall under the autism umbrella. But in many ways it is a failure to understand my context, how I think, how I have value to society, but right now we are easily hurt, traumatized….in our early formative years we are exceptionally prone to harm, and the big issue is once damaged, we continue to damage ourselves as a result.  See, logic and rationality are the cornerstones of how we approach the world, and that is very different from the majority of well adaptive mental archetypes, but the autism is not the disorder, unless the sensory issues are so overwhelming as to truly impede functioning, but right now, for a person who has extreme trouble handling sensory stimuli, well one can imagine how a simple shopping trip might be pretty overwhelming, but in the past, this would not have been the issue we see today and in many places in the world, I would have been a well functioning member of society.  So I apologize now to anti-vaccines folks, because I too am going to say the vaccines are not the issue, but for the folks bashing them, I can very easily see why we do see a correlation between getting vaccines and the “onset” of autism, that doctor’s trip could indeed be a tipping point for an already struggling mind in a world that does not naturally make sense to us, in short, the trauma is the trip to the doctor, not the vaccine.  In my case as a child, I had some good honest doctors who never padded the truth, I knew it was gonna hurt, I knew what it was for, no one fed me a line of crap, such as “it’ll only hurt for a bit”, we all know darn well that they can hurt for days, well if you tell someone inherently logical, rational, and naturally guileless that and it then hurts for days, anxiety creeps in, the heightened tactile sensations and lingering pain are there, if it only hurts for a bit, then why is it hurting still? It should have stopped, something must be wrong, and then being logical and rational as well as introverted and analytical, you need to understand why this is not working right, what went wrong, am I in danger?  The autistic mind when young, is a very literal mind, sarcasm, beliefs not connected to what we can observe, the internalization of what is inherently unknowable, this stuff is damaging to us at first, not fate though, just at first, we take more time to build up a good solid sense of self, and that is prone to easily being damaged, through nothing more simple than adults not being able to communicate with us, because they do not understand just how fragile we can, how literally we think, how naturally disassociative we are, we are not grounded in there here and now, it is not insanity to see an odd smile or something across my face, it is me thinking, and I am a deep thinker and can pretty much kick off almost anyplace I feel safe. But, feeling safe in the world as it currently is, especially when you suffer from complex PTSD as a result of repeated trauma, does not happen enough, and we become damaged.

So what does one do about autism, the increased frequency, etc.  We need to understand first what it is we are seeing, and that is a normal (save for extreme underlying neurological issues) inherent personality type and way of thinking for a good many folks.  In the case of Autism, the sensory overload, the intellect, all of these things make it hard to communicate with people who just don’t understand, especially if your family has in-authenticity issues or happens to be very spiritual, very feeling, or even just very judging, these dynamics can hurt us, it is a tragic misunderstanding. So some of the very first things one can do is train oneself to not assume certain behaviors from different people mean the same thing, a lot of blood has been shed over something as simple as eye contact, American culture favors it, sees avoiding eyes as being shifty, indicating lying, etc.  And for many folks, this is indeed true, these behaviors are tells for some kids, but not for all kids, for some of us, it is not proof of guilt, it is an inability to look at the eyes, but what is even more screwed up than that is that it is possible for that child to be able to handle a degree of eye contact. I would never expect constant, consistent eye contact, because that is very grounding to us, it inhibits our naturally dis-associative tendency to wander in thought and explore ideas, so I would expect eye contact to always break frequently as we ponder, I simply adapted a pondering habit, so it is not all that awkward when I break and re-establish eye contact, I try to let folks know I am just thinking, nothing more.  But, the autistic child, is every earnest, ever questioning, ever wondering, but we are also very very logical, and that means intuitive, and that means we are very very hard to lie to, and when we catch an adult in a lie, we stop trusting them fully. It seems creepy to see that capability in a four year old, especially if we reflect what we see back at you. If a person is in-authentic, they are in essence addicted to a faulty way of understanding reality, they have internalized a view point that runs contrary to what their brain naturally prioritizes. And as an addiction, it fights to survive, it convinces you that it is inherent to your very survival on a subtle and powerful way, and when that view is challenged, we get emotional responses.  In the case of the Autistic child, we also seek harmony, to the point of self-martyring ourselves, so when we get an unexpected emotional response because we have no idea what in-authenticity and such is, we may internalize them like other kids, but we are also very likely to stop talking, stop defending ourselves, if our actions cause our loved ones pain, we will try as hard as we can to keep things under control.  But the problem here is the communication, if a parent or guardian can understand why the autistic child is responding that way, then you can freely take more control over it. I look at Jenny McCarthy, and the secret to her success with her son, was in my informed opinion, but still opinion I do not have all of Jenny’s context, was that she earnestly and honestly did everything she could to understand, reach out too, and communicate with her son. She was able to dig out some of the faulty logic he had internalized, his reality became a less surreal hellish landscape where fact and fiction blurred, into a world with natural laws, reasons and processes that are natural for minds like ours to understand.  We are born little compassionate scientists, we question everything, we seek knowledge on a visceral level and that may not always be apparent, because we live in a world of patterns and ideas, when we stare or play with something in an odd way, we are learning, often something as simple as physics, or just enjoying how it feels, or how the light hits it, but at that moment, we are not inattentive at all, we are hyper focused, but….we dis-associate with our surroundings, we do not hear our name called, we might even converse in that state and not really remember what is being said, kinda running on auto pilot.  That can be awfully frustrating for a caregiver, but in school, if the school does not teach well to this way of thinking, problems begin to appear, the snowball gets rolling, and if you do not know what is really going on behind the scenes, then damage and even real trauma can be done.

This also helps connect the incidents of school violence associated with autism spectrum disorders, when the autistic mind breaks, it breaks bad, the opposite of someone who naturally seeks harmony become someone who wants to share their pain and disharmony in a very bad way.  School is often what is going to be breaking us right now, and that is just a simple failure to realize we learn a lot differently than most of the kids around us, but even a lot of the kids around us who are very logical  but more grounded could benefit.  We break the kids when we force them to fit a mold and internalize their natural way of thinking as being faulty, as inherently logical and rational, we must find that damage folks, we are self perfectionists above all, we are the centers of our own multiverse in a metaphorical, but real way, we build our understanding of the universe from ourselves out, not everyone builds schema that way, many people do not.  So if we feel we are flawed, we eviscerate ourselves trying to get it out, and for many of us, we find a means to escape a reality that has become hell.  See, even the autistic mind varies a great deal, for example we share hyper sensory issues, but we don’t all have the same ability to manipulate sensory information in our heads, some of us are more grounded than other’s as a result of this, so as I have stated before, I could not escape into a fantasy world, I could not visualize and manipulate visual information in my head, I have a limited ability to manipulate auditory data, but it is mostly restricted to my own voice and inner monologue with slight twists, I cannot really hear another person’s voice in my head, I cannot manipulate multiple songs at a time, I am just not wired that way, but boy oh boy do I use kinesthetic, I use my pupils like a pen point and draw on the back of my eyeballs when I am trying to get the spacial dimensions of a room and I really need to remember it in detail, so my sense of touch in a way helps me render an environment in my mind.  I digress too much, but it illustrates difference, I was inhibited from escaping object reality compared to some others, and that is a good thing, some of the more extreme forms of autism can be seen in obviously joyous children who just do not live in the here and now with everyone else, and trying to force that can be damaging, may result in more escapism.  Parents and guardians do need to step in half way,  meet their autistic child halfway, always be honest with them, even if it hurts, give them permission to look into your eyes and tell you what they see, it may take time to find comfort in this, but the honest communication, will be great for all people involved, we can be wise and sagacious buggers, and then promptly give into potty humor, we can be very sophomoric, the wise fools. And yes, we do not get social cues as fast, we love to over share, we can overwhelm people with sheer exuberance, but with time and understanding we can put these things in perspective.  Some good solid advice right now is to also give them a “fortress of solitude” , relax the rules there for them, let them make it their own space, if they leave a cup of milk growing mold, talk to them about it, let them explore it, because we are curious, and then remind us why, repeated over time if needed, why it is important for health reasons, sanitation, etc to make sure those things do get left in there. Other than that, if you are not renting, let chaos reign, let them try new arrangements, my mother for awhile let me sleep in a hammock instead of a bed, absolutely, let us explore our world, let us share our joy, and you will not regret it.

Sadly, at this time, right now, we are being naturally selected against, we are being hurt before we can establish enough of our healthy self identity, so we see more “disorders” but it is inflicted damage, not inherent damage we are usually seeing, it was an accident folks, a tragic freaking accident, based on a faulty context, a misunderstanding of what people were seeing. Damn it sucks, I never bit, chewed, and swallowed the soap being used to wash out my mouth because I was obstinate, I did it because I obviously did something wrong, and so I made sure to punish myself well.  We need to not just understand the difference in thought, we need to make sure everyone, autistic or not, can find their joy based on the inherent way they are born to think, in harmony with a social structure that incorporates the difference instead of trying to medicate us to think like other people.  We have immense value, but we need a bit more nurturing, we should never be the dominant way of thinking, we are the teachers who cannot do, but that is not fault, it is difference, we rides the waves of thoughts and patterns, we seek understanding of all around us, we cannot spend as much time mastering something the way someone else does, we simply do not have enough time, once we understand mortality, it begins in earnest, we only have so much time to understand as much about the objective reality we live in, through the very narrow and subjective framework our mind creates, but our sensory overload is in many ways a function of this, we are always trying to take in as much data as we can, we overload ourselves easily, we are perceived as inattentive as we jump around from idea to idea, but when we play we learn, always, you just have to nudge and steer us a bit, we will do most of the work ourselves, often not in groups, not because we are wired to even be anti-social, but we challenge ourselves constantly,but it becomes unmanageable if we stop talking to people, we deny ourselves the soundboards that we very naturally desire, we exile ourselves because the last thing we want is to cause someone pain.   I could do a lot more writing, but I am exhausted, been a long day, productive but long, and I am not even going to attempt to edit this now, and I hate saving drafts, I forget about em, so I will edit later if I feel I need too, I have probably skipped entire sentences trying to keep up with my thoughts, damn slow input devices haha,

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2 thoughts on “So, where to now?

  1. Jared Mills says:

    Very well written. I have long thought that we as a culture over diagnose and over medicate mental / emotional “disorders” we don’t seem interested in understanding why others act differently we just judge them to be wrong because they are different (ie not wanting to understand another’s context) I have heard some things lately that have helped me start understanding people context better and be less judgmental. The first is your idea of context which has helped me understand and internalize that when I see some behavior I don’t agree with that there is probably some sort of reason behind their behavior. Another thing I have heard recently that is related is to not judge others because we don’t know what they are dealing with or what trauma they have suffered. The ideas are definitely related. I do have to remind myself that I don’t always need to know what is causing others behaviors to be understanding that the person has a different context from me. I always want to know what their context is but this is not realistic.

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    • Context is a hard thing, I really need to work out my re-interpretation and grounding of the Myers-Briggs, bit hesitant as I am still try to really nail down what we are seeing from a neuroscience perspective in regards to Introversion and Extroversion, currently I think the energized by social situations vs drained by them is obfuscated by in-authenticity, the Extroverted dominant culture and landscape of our time, and underlying that, I believe it is not the social function that causes the drain exclusively, I believe it is the data absorbed and constantly updated and tracked by a personality more comfortable being dis-associative and inward focused. So as a function of our metabolism, the calories used by the human brain, especially in high data processing and tracking areas would logically connect back to feeling tired, and some of that may continue for awhile until the important data can be processed. Now, we can mitigate a lot of this by better sharing and utilizing the public space, it should pretty naturally be dominated by the extroverts, but the small little oasis we find in some places, could really be expanded, we see them as the quite nooks in a loud club, benches in green spaces, bookstores and other places. So, if we make more of these in the public sphere with a conscious effort, work on the mental health of our species, because the vast vast majority of the human species has in fact internalized some bullshit in comparison to the natural wiring of our brains, even the adaptive inherent ways of thinking internalize bullshit that leads to the denigration of difference, when we need to understand, embrace, and accept that difference, not only will we all be happier and healthier, when we celebrate and utilize our differences, allow all people to find joy and have greater self-determination in a way appropriate for their hardwiring, folks, we have only just begun to see what our species can do, but damn it, we are in the dystopia right now, not shin deep, not knee deep, we are neck deep. And sadly, the adapted individuals who benefit from the current state of being far more than not, who do not really know themselves, they will not hear what I say, it will be dismissed on premise, a conditioned response against anything that undermines that faulty epistemology they internalized, like addiction, the faulty bullshit hijacks your own mind and convinces you it is part of your core identity, that you cannot survive without it, and it fights to survive in an almost scary and living way, so it is hard to root it out, it is hard to find it, but I tell you this, there are certain situations in object reality that are close to what we would call universal moral truths, when you see someone violating one of these tenants, you can analyze the behavior, figure out whether it was a rational/feeling or prospecting/judging function that was executed wrong, and that will give you a hint into their bullshits nature. As I learned during my undergrad years studying approaches to ethnography, one of the most important lessons I learned, is that lies tell us a great deal, but even better is when you catch the little lie, the little bad data or logic, that is connected deeply to a persons, internalized faulty epistemology. The little lies inform us of the hidden shames, shortcomings, insecurities, and other bullshit that is attacking that person with their own mind. And when you prod this, you will often get a response that is not appropriate for the context of the situation, scene violations and breaking taboo can be a powerful but risky tool, so the only option for many people is going to be finding a way to gently and compassionately mirror back to the person a translated version of what was heard, but it takes a great deal of trust, honesty, and for someone like me, putting a bit of myself on the line naturally, to take the extra step and reach out to another human being who is stuck living their “life of quiet desperation”, crap I just sorta quoted Thoreau, my wife will never let me live this down, guess I need to revisit his writings. Any who…I digress, as per normal. I want to quickly say that one of the more common in-authenticity I seem to encounter is prospecting people who have trained themselves to be judging, often a function of either having to raise themselves, siblings, carry family weight on their shoulders, and these folk forget how to truly ask for help, hold themselves together with an iron fist because they feel if they let anything begin to fall apart that their world will crumble, prospecting individuals, especially introverted ones are a sort of naturally martyring personality type, they will try to carry all that burden on their shoulders, and will fail to properly share that burden, and can become very frustrated when they cannot seem to communicate what they are saying right, but in my mind it is usually because they are not hearing right, faulty bullshit hijacks your authentic instincts and makes you question them, identifies them as a flaw and attempts to destroy them, all the while trying to save everyone else, it is a lonely place when you have trouble hearing the truth, interpret it as an attack or as confirmation of ones internalized belief they are broken, damaged, flawed…No one born without substantial and rare factors is useless, worthless, or without value, we break people in our effort to maintain our cultural epistemologies, because we have failed to create a cultural climate that finds value in all of these, the farmer who loves to farm should never be jealous of the artist who livens up the world, same team folks, when people follow their joy, they want to help other’s naturally, we then do not have laziness, just difference, I might forget the food wrapper on the floor when I am deep in thought, even though I saw it fall, for me, I am working in my head, I must follow my thoughts first, and yes I will most likely forget about it for awhile, but in my own space, this is ok, if I have my personal sanctum (hopefully someday soon, renting is killing me here…literally from a hyper-vigilance/somatoform way, just slow) I can easily learn to try harder outside of it to be a bit more grounded, have a bit more situational awareness, but I am absent minded, but that very trait is also what allows me to search for the big patterns, to leave a great deal of my immediate needs on a low burner, and dare to think big…difference, I have many strengths and many glaring weaknesses, I am a bit of an extremely focused logical mind, which are usually great generalists versus empirical specialists…difference, I have my place in the world like everyone else, and as anyone who values a bit of my thoughts understands this, I am a teacher because I can not do, because my mind moves at such a rate, through so many possibilities, ideas, patterns, theories,and hypothesis, I am not well grounded in the day to day, to stop too long to try to focus and execute just one of so many ideas, slows my learning and understanding of my place in the universe, and that is my fundamental way of building schema, self out and then understanding where my self interacts with another who has a different sense of self, and man, disharmony and bullshit causes real damage every second of everyday, we have to check this, we have to stop the snowball, and as a natural thinker and teacher, my job is just to help shed a lil light on the big big questions, so folks more grounded in day to day, living in the here and now, can find more joy in their own lives and help share that with others. And folks who do are truly valued for taking the ideas I generate, comparing them to their data, coming back at me again if needed, I am the sounding board, the only time I get upset or frustrated is over mis-communication and disharmony, I have a valuable place in society…we have failed to properly integrate and identify this, the hallowed halls of academia are either to limiting or simply lacking in the positions, there are a lot of brilliant minds right now, flipping burgers…but better yet, a few of them are actually finding joy, even in something as seemingly demeaning and humble as that, for people who nurture and care naturally, who are helping feed people, maybe able to get a grudging smile out of someone, that person has immense value in that position, if they know their joy, they can help spread joy, the little things, the little details, the unambiguous acts that are hard to mistake for anything but genuine kindness, we need our nurturer’s, we need our builders, our thinkers, our athletes and artists, we need room for all of them, the person who may never want to farm might be the person who meets a farmer and tries to earnestly make their life easier and better with their own skill set. But we must stop the school to prison pipeline, our earnest attempt at quality public education has missed a huge chunk of the population, it was built on an empirical model designed for educating men who tend to favor empirical thinking in our society, it makes sense, it was not malicious, it was building off what was already there, it is tragedy that we have failed to recognize, that yes, certain types of inherent operating systems not only fail to excel in these spaces, we become damaged, we are labeled faulty, just because we have failed up to this point to truly identify what we are seeing in regards to the human mind and how freaking amazingly, beautifully different we are. We have a hard road ahead, we have to forgive ourselves, we have to forgive those who have grieved us for they also have been grieved, we have traumatized ourselves so thoroughly many folks don’t even believe we can come back, but it is not over until it is over, in my mind the devil is the collective internalized bullshit of humanity, dystopia is now, maybe even a metaphorical apocalypse, so using this metaphor, it is time humanity got it’s context, so we can finally send the Devil into the abyss once and for all.

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