Context and some feeling..oops nope, almost a darn book.

Alrighty, I am not feeling just cerebral tonight, had several intense conversations today, and though I am certainly glad I found the faulty internalized bullshit in my cranium, it has sadly reset my operating system in a few ways, and now I have to rebuild a great deal of cognitive constructs to properly function in civil society. Which means, at the moment I still tend to over intellectualize or I tend to be almost violently overzealous in my ability to finally speak my mind and not just be stuck mute, ineffective, and simmering with internalized rage.  So, while I view this as a healthy transition point, having a temper tantrum and visibly shaking while trying to articulate the expansive nature of what I am trying to say is not so useful; borderlines on being intimidating. This is bad communication and is certainly not something my friends deserve, little too much earnestness and feeling, or too little, gotta get that happy medium going; for example, I have decided not to care about grammar as much, I can do the academic assertive crap and avoid vernacular if I need too, but as someone who is naturally analytical and cautious, it feels like I am lying to not use a great deal of passive voice, because I am presenting a theory, a large logical construct based on my understanding and integration of other ideas and theories, it is not yet substantiated with a tremendous amount of empirical data, because the purpose of the theory is to spin off hypothesis, compare them then to existing empirical data to look at it through a new filter, and to also create new hypothesis to be tested.

So now I want to take a look at some of the shortcomings of the current system, In US academia the logical is too often discarded and disregarded due to an institutionalized preference for empirical thinking and data.  But the two approaches are both vastly valuable, to devalue one and over value another is a waste of human endeavor. When people learn and build schema the way their brain is wired to do, when they know what brings them joy and seek it out, when they understand themselves from a biologically hardwired perspective specific to them, their endeavors are fantastic, inspired, genius in their own way, be it athleticism, logical theories and thoughts, solid empirical cognitive structures of great worth. So to even begin to truly tap human potential we need to stop devaluing difference and embrace it and let people utilize their strengths, whatever that may be, and the dominant social paradigms need to make room for these differences to flourish and make a living and stop labeling a misunderstanding and forcing us to internalize it as a fault.

Let me give some personal context here, in the case of someone like me, that internalizing conflicting socio-cultural ideologies become extremely damaging, I will admit to being an exceptionally frail inherent thinker, since someone like me must have context to understand something, when we are forced to internalize something without context, we have a big problem, it fundamentally inhibits my ability to discern object reality (as best as one can) and separate fantasy, the two blur, and that causes great harm, you end up with a child afraid of everything, who even until almost 13 years old was still afraid of vampires, werewolves, and cujo’s second cousin, they all had the same weight, I could not discern a difference other than dogs being the most likely threat, all the other options were a possible reality, my world was hell, my life was fear, and if I could have visualized in my head I would be long gone, disconnected from object reality as much as possible to chase the joy in my thoughts and ideas. But the sad thing is, someone of my inherent epistemology, my less common operating system, raised in the right culture, the right household, can in fact grow up just freaking fine, the damage done to me and others like me, is a tragic lack of communication, it is not evil intent, it is not someone’s fault because according to my faulty context theory, we cannot effectively communicate if we cannot truly, and I mean truly understand that we can be aliens to each other, that we think and manipulate data in some fundamentally different ways.  It is a tragedy, because I know the massive effort my parents put into understanding and communicating with me, but they did not have my context, I was labeled as faulty, defective, broken, and I have a laundry list of labels that I became, I internalized them, it was all my fault, and as someone inherently exceptionally logical as well as rational and over analytical, the vast amount of my intellectual rigor, which is substantial, was then subconsciously and then consciously turned against itself, a horrific act of metaphorical psychic self mutilation, spending decades literally trying to destroy fundamental aspects of who I am, having falsely identified myself as being overly feeling, having a problem with feelings and emotions, that rationalizing is unhealthy, I must never trust rationalizing, it must be destroyed for it is a symptom of the trauma I knew I had suffered…it is tragic beyond words, minds like mine become self-traumatizing. When you realize just how much we seek harmony, how much we hate lying, but we learn to avoid eyes because when we reflect it back, we get in trouble, when we avoid the eyes it is taken as a sign of guilt though, and then we get to go pick our willow switch because since we are showing signs of “lying” we are guilty, people so often assume guilt before innocence, and then damaged or maladaptive people such as I, stop trusting authority, we stop asking for help, we shut things out and stop communicating, because no one fucking understood what we are like, that we would not ever want to lie, it is why we reflect back what we see written in the creases of your brow, your posture, the set of your jaw, but always and forever with the greatest intensity, what we read in your eyes and surrounding muscles. But when we reflect back inauthenticity, when we so easily see and understand you are lying to us, even when you think it is for our own good, you are causing harm, and when we call the bullshit, especially if you cannot see it yourself, you react with great intensity, sadness, anger, it causes you harm, we do not ever want to cause anyone fucking harm, so we become natural victims, we begin to accept our fate, we martyr ourselves while all the while tearing apart our own psyche trying to figure out why we are broken, when we are not, we are just different, and when we are allowed to question and get answers with more depth than “just because” and “Because I told you”, we are learning, and it seems intimidating because we easily parrot back ideas and concepts the dominant current social paradigms deem beyond us, and sometimes we get noticed, labeled as gifted, if our native intellect is good enough (in my case cannot escape a warped view of reality, no matter how hard I tried and I did, so many years, for so long I fucking tried to escape), we stand a chance of making it through, even severely impaired and damaged by the failure of the dominant inherent epistemologies in control of our cultural direction to get our context.  I do not have an “attention disorder” for example, I have an extremely active and logical mind that does not do it best learning and building of schemas by being forced to learn something via an A,B,C,D approach, it is actually inhibitory to me, you retard my potential and growth by forcing too much of it. I am not saying I cannot put some effort and work into getting some important A,B,C,D structures, but that type of learning is exhausting, you can direct my understanding of it through by allowing my thoughts to wander, to let me play and toy around with the ideas, by simply and earnestly communicating why this is important, but your message is not going to be heard if you do not understand my context so you can successfully communicate.

The damage that has been done to me is, profoundly tragic, and it may be hard to truly believe some people, such as me, are born atheists.  This does not mean I am going to grow up an atheist, but I will never take anything just on faith, I must have the context, and if I am forced to internalize a notion of God for example, and I am unaware for sometime that others do not believe the same things, I have no context, it becomes truth to me, but it is at that time a virus.  But if an autistic mind is given some broader context, that not all people believe the same or in anything divine at all, if you communicate the values and importance of it from your perspective to ours, we can over time find our own way to relating and understanding, but we must find that path on our own, with guidance, it cannot be forced on us. We are not letting the devil in, we are not “possessed”, we are not insane or violent due to a flaw, when you force us to internalize what to us is unknowable, you have caused great harm. And you can see these behaviors expressed in our extreme frustration, our violent out bursts, head banging, biting behaviors, explosive temperaments, and what you are seeing, is a child who cannot communicate with you, everything we try to say seems to fall on deaf ears or elicits a visceral reaction, or most tragically of all truly causes you pain…it is the frustration of those, who have no authentic voice, because those around us do not understand our context, hear and interpret what we say through their own mental filters and misinterprets the data, we become liars, know-it-alls, faithless heathens, disrespectful…the list goes on and on, and by our very nature, we will not self advocate, because we learn it never goes well, so it is desirable to shut everyone else out, being an ultimate skeptic you cannot trust or believe what others say, but because you internalized the unknown and are faulty as well you cannot trust your own logic, your own mind is the enemy, reality does not make sense, and you send us to hell, the minute you start judging us and forcing us to fit a mold that is not natural to the way our brains are neurologically wired, and I mean that, you, with no intent to cause harm, often with the best of intentions, send us to hell, and we are our own keepers, no one is better capable at punishing us, than ourselves.  So when I got my mouth washed out with soap and bite a huge chunk out and chew it, that is not defiance, that is me…punishing myself, because once again, I was bad, once again I caused pain or disharmony, I punish myself with unrelenting vigor.  People need to truly understand, even those of us extremely disassociated from object reality, we are not broken, we are not faulty, we are simply different, but we are fragile, our minds are prone to breaking easily, mental illness is a side effect of being unable to get our context and our inability to figure out what we internalized that is mucking up the works, and this does not just apply to the rare personality types, if your inherent epistemology is at odds with your family’s dominant one, or your parents are also already damaged themselves through forced internalization and vigorously impose the same internalized crap on you, then we have a problem, we have mental illness, and we need to clear the air and get each other’s personal context, because if we can, we can get down to a proper baseline, we have obfuscated our data and as a result have faulty conclusions based on a faulty understanding of a person’s inherent context and how it intersects with our social ways of knowing and learning, we must make room for the differences, we cannot keep forcing people into a mold.  We can see this represented in the battle over ownership of a persons own gender, the dominant social paradigm favors certain inherent epistemologies, an American male should be ideally extroverted, empirical, rational, and assertive/quick to act, it is flexible enough to handle a few variations off this ideal, but it vastly favors those grounded well in the here and now, the empiricist dominated social paradigm favors being observant, attentive to detail, focused and on task in an ideally quantifiable way. The further a males inherent epistemology is from this, the more we are targeted and devalued, my desire for harmony makes me overly sensitive and feeling, I become a loser, a wuss, and all that I really am, is at this time, in that place, in that cultural context, simply maladaptive to the dominant social paradigm because of nothing more than my fundamental way of thinking is different.  And the less grounded one is, the more our “heads are in the clouds”, the less masculine we become, and often that confusion becomes labels and people will call someone a “fag” or other emasculating words, which in truth may have little to no actual basis in our sexuality at all, but damn when we internalize that we sure as shit have some gender dysphoria issues going on, thanks again for that….sorry, that was sarcastic, it is a tragedy, it is not fault. But, it took me a long time to nail down my notion of who I am in relation to the gender polemic, I denied myself things that very naturally are enjoyable and comforting to me, and not “girly” we confuse different ways of thinking with our faulty idea of how the other sex thinks. In my case, I was raised later in life around a lot of gays, lesbians, and a “big brother” who was so flaming we joked about it and I chased him around the house with a lighter (miss ya bro, lost ya too soon), and that allowed me to be comfortable with that fact that, no, I am not gay or even particularly sexual at all, but in many ways I internalized that I was somewhat a “girl” so I sought out to destroy that, I began to disdain any public reflections of things folks might call…cute, I like cute, the world is hell for me as a child remember? it is scary as hell, so yeah, things that are safe, non-offensive, and bring comfort? damn important too me, do not take the things that anchor me and bring me comfort, do not take these things away from me, because if someone like me is damaged, I need them, so I can think of that story about the “red boots”, we really do need our stability, we need to be able to discern fantasy from reality, which means we need to be taught in a scientific way, we need the facts and context, we need to observe or at least infer the existence of things, forcing us to do otherwise, is to sentence us to a possible eternity (to us), in hell.

If you are grasping the gravity of this at all, if you can understand that much of what we call even laziness is in fact the expression of either underlying neuropathy, trauma, or being maladaptve and thus bullied and forced to internalize alien thought processes through punishment, derision, shaming, marketing, and propaganda, the result is mental illness, but we have confused it, and we continue to try and treat difference with medications to make us more like others (once again credit to L. Ron Hubbard, whether ya believe the rest or not, he saw this quiet clearly), to balance us (when we may prefer naturally moderation via extremes), it informs us, through our own inherent way of thinking about the objective reality we live it, it has meaning, it is difference, not necessarily fault or damage, but we cannot know, until people utilize, implement, and understand the truly diverse and beautiful ways we all learn, find value, and find happiness in life. Even when you do not get why someone finds joy, if you can at least get that folks really do inherently have differences in how we perceive and understand reality, then we have a more rounded socio-cultural worldview, that allows for greater self-determination for different ways of thinking, that allows everyone to follow their joy, contribute meaningfully, and expand their understanding of things, that they can find the meaning in their life in balance with the way they naturally think and the way society learns and values things.  As tragic as this seems though, it also gives us hope, so many humans are finding their voices and joining together, but sometimes we get lost screaming at each other, trying to intimidate, to bully each other into understanding what to us seems so obvious, so very plain to see, “how can you not see God’s hand in everything?” is an honest question from someone who can feel and believes firmly in the spiritual, but my response is equally valid “How can you not see natural forces at work?” for I have trouble putting the notion of the divine into context, that does not mean my thinking is right or wrong or someone else’s ardent belief is wrong, until we force each other to internalize something damaging to how we fundamentally think, so then you end up with “Religious Trauma Syndrome” or other problems, and the sad part is, it did not have to be, but because neither side could achieve parity in communication because we simply have failed to understand just how truly alien each of our worldviews can be, we keep miscommunicating, we get frustrated, we shout, we shake our fists, and when we cannot take anymore, the masses act violently, a group think temper tantrum bred from intense frustration over constantly having one’s thoughts and ideas fall of ears that are always mishearing.  And though I framed some of this through my own understanding of trauma, complex ptsd, gender issues, and notions of the divine, we can see the expressions of these frustrations everywhere, with varying degrees of violence.  The genius of Gandhi and Martin Luther King, jr. (who I have always been proud to share a birth date with) was to try to redirect the anger into actions that, though are very emphatic, very potent, favor de-escalation and reconciliation over violent outbursts of frustration. I can find parity to a degree in the thoughts of Arthur Janov and primal scream therapy, the value of it can be seen, and though childhood trauma may only be an effect of being simply unlucky enough to have a maladaptive metaphorical operating system, but in the words of the great Tears for Fears, there is certainly value for those of us fighting everyday against our inherent nature to just function in a society that does not get and value us, hell yes “Shout, shout, let it all out”.

Ok, I have written over 3000 words in this, I am pretty sure this is umm exceptionally long, but it is solid thinking, it gives people some of my context so they can identify some of my own biases better as well as understand where I am coming from and how I think and view the world.  Faulty context theory in essence states, that we have failed to understand each other’s natural and innate differences, that no society has successfully yet integrated in a healthy way all the truly different ways folks can think, that some of us, right here and right now, are denied our own idea of liberty and our search for happiness is inhibited, and we are being selected against, because many us finally decide, life is not worth living, it is hell, so many people who should have made it, didn’t, because when you believe you are the problem, then you can “help” the people around you, by no longer being able to harm them, too many great logical and rational minds are removing themselves from the equation, be it withdrawing from the world, seeking solace in drugs and alcohol to the point of dependency, or suicide or just self harm and destructive acts, the will to live becomes suppressed and it becomes easy to put oneself in dangerous and compromising situations, or even worse…we break bad and no longer have anything to lose, and then such great harm befalls others, the trauma becomes viral and is passed on in a social sense, a meme ala Richard Dawkins takes on a sinister form, and the result is a cycle of trauma, mental illness, and harm.  We must learn to understand our differences, we must forgive ourselves and each other for a tragic mistake, and we must make a conscious effort to stop inflicting more trauma, we will never get harmony from inflicting more disharmony, even if we eliminate the external “threat” we harm ourselves, our brothers and sisters in arms (IYAAYAS in my case, and yeah that is a specific reference to my Air Force days, oh yeah….I served in the military, disabled non-combat veteran) return with deep and lasting trauma and scars on them as well, the cycle perpetuates, it continues, we must admit our fears, be brave enough and principled enough to let people know our subjective understanding of an objective universe is different, but damn it, difference is not bad, as long as one can take personal care of themselves and can function as a social creature, we are not damaged, just different.


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